It's hard to imagine myself as a princess.
I guess I do somewhat have a slave mentality. Not as serious but it still persists. Like just now, as I was doing the laundry for my family in my exhausted flesh. I was complaining about the number of underwear my mother had placed in the washer. Then I thought to myself: I must do my own laundry next time so I wouldn't be obligated to do the rest of the family's.
When the prodigal son received his title and status back, he also reclaim his authority. Like his father, his words carry weight. In my imagination he does little after he came back. But the truth is after such adventure he would forever be changed. It is everything upside down.
Because my Father has told me that my words carry power. I shall speak.
Dear heavenly Father
I asked you to calm my nerves. So many unsettling things. And I'd be expecting more. So help me tackle every task one by one.
I bless all those people I am worried about. Please bless them and their family. God please see us through.
Dear Jesus
Please give double portion of blessing to my favorite teenager. The lord keeps him and bless him. And I pray for more courage and joy on him. Bless his family. And especially his sister, whom, will be working in a new place. God bless her and giver her trustworthy friends at work. I also pray that you will bless her and my sister with loving brothers in Christ.
In Jesus' name.
Amen
Tuesday 28 April 2015
Sunday 26 April 2015
thing I wouldn't say to you
Hello
I think I miss you.
I have a lot to say.
But I don't think I will.
Not everything is meant to be put in words.
I sang an original song today.
I was proud.
But I think I may have sang it a little too many times. It seems blend now.
Hopefully, I keep at it though.
I mean it is on my bucket list.
You should know. I showed it to you.
I'm not sure what to expect from worship tomorrow. I am very jumpy. I am not sure why.
I am trying to calm my nerves by singing my heart out.
It works because it's not forced.
I'd song about how I feel now with a positive twist.
I wish we could all work on it together.
But the last time I conceived a song; it was a still born. It became my own little collection because it seems people aren't really fond of it.
The chord was hurriedly found and then that was it.
I was helped and that was that.
So I am a little hesitant this time.
I think I miss you.
I have a lot to say.
But I don't think I will.
Not everything is meant to be put in words.
I sang an original song today.
I was proud.
But I think I may have sang it a little too many times. It seems blend now.
Hopefully, I keep at it though.
I mean it is on my bucket list.
You should know. I showed it to you.
I'm not sure what to expect from worship tomorrow. I am very jumpy. I am not sure why.
I am trying to calm my nerves by singing my heart out.
It works because it's not forced.
I'd song about how I feel now with a positive twist.
I wish we could all work on it together.
But the last time I conceived a song; it was a still born. It became my own little collection because it seems people aren't really fond of it.
The chord was hurriedly found and then that was it.
I was helped and that was that.
So I am a little hesitant this time.
Thursday 23 April 2015
not-so-much-of-a-crisis kind of crisis
I haven't posted in such a long time.
For two reasons:
Too many things happened, don't know where to start.
Don't know how to anonymously talk about myself.
Just in case, anyone ever came across this writing, they must never know it's me.
Too embarrassing.
Before I update my life.
I just want to say that I am stuck again.
Happens a lot. No biggie.
Last week, I shared to the youth in regards to worship.
In other words, I preached.
That's right man--I preached!
It was a cool opportunity.
No doubt I fought for it.
At first I thought I might mess up.
But it was alright.
I am proud of myself and my willingness.
I'll share about this another time.
Anyways, this is the crisis this week.
I am stuck.
I don't know why I am stuck.
But I am stuck.
Spiritually.
Man, I am so clueless right now.
"What songs should I pick for Sunday worship?"
It's been a while.
Knock. Knock.
God? You there?
For two reasons:
Too many things happened, don't know where to start.
Don't know how to anonymously talk about myself.
Just in case, anyone ever came across this writing, they must never know it's me.
Too embarrassing.
Before I update my life.
I just want to say that I am stuck again.
Happens a lot. No biggie.
Last week, I shared to the youth in regards to worship.
In other words, I preached.
That's right man--I preached!
It was a cool opportunity.
No doubt I fought for it.
At first I thought I might mess up.
But it was alright.
I am proud of myself and my willingness.
I'll share about this another time.
Anyways, this is the crisis this week.
I am stuck.
I don't know why I am stuck.
But I am stuck.
Spiritually.
Man, I am so clueless right now.
"What songs should I pick for Sunday worship?"
It's been a while.
Knock. Knock.
God? You there?
Friday 17 April 2015
how to love
It's not easy you know.
Staying silent.
I am juggling with what I should say and what I should not say.
I am juggling with what I should do and should not do.
You know the line between selfless and selfish is really thin.
Although, I thought I am being nice, it may end up being burdensome.
Here's an example:
My brother.
One who always kept in mind that his sister did not teach him math when he was struggling with it in highschool.
From that day and on, he has the mentality of becoming independent.
To make up for traumatizing him, I offer to pay for his phone bill when I was in college.
Today, he told me that the day I stop paying for his bill, he was the happiest.
All these times, I thought I was demonstrating selfless love ends up putting stress on him, because he thinks he owes me.
Now, what can I do?
I enjoy giving.
I want to give.
I love you and I want to show you that I do by giving you gift. Gift--it's my love language.
Awe. Like I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable for me loving them. It's like am I not suppose to love you. Shouldn't love be the most natural thing? Why do I feel like I am doing something wrong?
Staying silent.
I am juggling with what I should say and what I should not say.
I am juggling with what I should do and should not do.
You know the line between selfless and selfish is really thin.
Although, I thought I am being nice, it may end up being burdensome.
Here's an example:
My brother.
One who always kept in mind that his sister did not teach him math when he was struggling with it in highschool.
From that day and on, he has the mentality of becoming independent.
To make up for traumatizing him, I offer to pay for his phone bill when I was in college.
Today, he told me that the day I stop paying for his bill, he was the happiest.
All these times, I thought I was demonstrating selfless love ends up putting stress on him, because he thinks he owes me.
Now, what can I do?
I enjoy giving.
I want to give.
I love you and I want to show you that I do by giving you gift. Gift--it's my love language.
Awe. Like I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable for me loving them. It's like am I not suppose to love you. Shouldn't love be the most natural thing? Why do I feel like I am doing something wrong?
Wednesday 15 April 2015
lost again OMG
What do you do when you feel really sorry?
But I don't think I really did anything wrong.
I was just very excited to prepare it.
I just get very excited about giving.
I just get very excited about implementing my idea.
I forgot about how people feel.
I didn't think people would feel bad about me giving.
I guess I didn't think enough.
I want to teach myself a lesson.
"Don't always do what you want to do."
"Don't force it on people."
"You can't do that."
Dear Jesus
SOS
I am not learning.
But I don't think I really did anything wrong.
I was just very excited to prepare it.
I just get very excited about giving.
I just get very excited about implementing my idea.
I forgot about how people feel.
I didn't think people would feel bad about me giving.
I guess I didn't think enough.
I want to teach myself a lesson.
"Don't always do what you want to do."
"Don't force it on people."
"You can't do that."
Dear Jesus
SOS
I am not learning.
Sunday 12 April 2015
The Journey
Maybe it's about time you take a good look at your life and ask yourself this question.
"Are you ready for a change?"
There is something magical about sunshine. It's vibrant energy gives off motivation and strength for the day to come.
It is almost 2 in the afternoon. I have "House & Home"'s special edition magazine resting on my singular Starbucks table. There is nothing like basking in the sun and daydreaming about the days to come. I am simply giving myself a break from prepping for the long hours ahead--tutoring.
Tutoring--it's not bad.
Monday 6 April 2015
Hi
Hi
It's weird.
I have big decisions to make.
Like huge decision.
Like goodbye kind of decision.
Is everything going to change?
I miss everybody already. haha
Too bad. I wish I hadn't change.
It's has to be me or someone else?
And if it's not someone else, then it has got to be me.
Bitter laughter.
Sigh.
What is to come?
At least I don't have to stay to find out.
Add oil, Penner.
It's weird.
I have big decisions to make.
Like huge decision.
Like goodbye kind of decision.
Is everything going to change?
I miss everybody already. haha
Too bad. I wish I hadn't change.
It's has to be me or someone else?
And if it's not someone else, then it has got to be me.
Bitter laughter.
Sigh.
What is to come?
At least I don't have to stay to find out.
Add oil, Penner.
Friday 3 April 2015
Creating "Me"
This is my attempt to organize my messy thoughts.
I am going to do this the only way I know how.
The only way I know to be true.
I am going to have "devotion".
In the midst of chaos and running around.
I ran out of time to clean, to organize, and to listen to God.
I talk a lot. Like a great deal of talking.
But I don't listen.
So this is my attempt to record my journey to reclaim my sanity.
This is the start.
Before devotion.
Start devotion:
So today's verse is in 2 Timothy 1:9.
“(God) saved us & called us with a holy calling…according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began.”
In summary:
I was chosen before time begin.
In Christ Jesus, I was birthed in perfect love.
The idea of "me" came to be.
I am who I am, not based on experience, but based on the creator's perception of me when He created the idea of me.
I as the creation,do not have a say in "who I am".
Though, experience tells me I am not, because people tells me I am not, but they were not my creator.
"According to the purpose and grace given to me in Christ Jesus" before experiences preoccupy my life.
So I am who I am and I do what I was created to do. By the grace of God, I will not only try but will exceed in the purpose I was destined for.
THE END of today's devotion
I also read Luke 9:37-45
Questions:
Jesus said, "You faithless and corrupt people..." Who is He referring to? The man? His disciples? Is He saying "Why have you not learn yet that you have the power to cast out the demons as well?"
Why did He suddenly predicts His death while everyone marvels at his doing. Is He saying that while they are praising Him; He one day would not be so popular? This people has little clue of what they are doing?
The disciples were afraid to ask Him about it even though they did not understand. This is quite plausible. It is for the same reason that students don't ask for clarification in the classroom. Because they were afraid of asking a dumb question.
I think
I am going to do this the only way I know how.
The only way I know to be true.
I am going to have "devotion".
In the midst of chaos and running around.
I ran out of time to clean, to organize, and to listen to God.
I talk a lot. Like a great deal of talking.
But I don't listen.
So this is my attempt to record my journey to reclaim my sanity.
This is the start.
Before devotion.
Start devotion:
So today's verse is in 2 Timothy 1:9.
“(God) saved us & called us with a holy calling…according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began.”
In summary:
I was chosen before time begin.
In Christ Jesus, I was birthed in perfect love.
The idea of "me" came to be.
I am who I am, not based on experience, but based on the creator's perception of me when He created the idea of me.
I as the creation,do not have a say in "who I am".
Though, experience tells me I am not, because people tells me I am not, but they were not my creator.
"According to the purpose and grace given to me in Christ Jesus" before experiences preoccupy my life.
So I am who I am and I do what I was created to do. By the grace of God, I will not only try but will exceed in the purpose I was destined for.
THE END of today's devotion
I also read Luke 9:37-45
Questions:
Jesus said, "You faithless and corrupt people..." Who is He referring to? The man? His disciples? Is He saying "Why have you not learn yet that you have the power to cast out the demons as well?"
Why did He suddenly predicts His death while everyone marvels at his doing. Is He saying that while they are praising Him; He one day would not be so popular? This people has little clue of what they are doing?
The disciples were afraid to ask Him about it even though they did not understand. This is quite plausible. It is for the same reason that students don't ask for clarification in the classroom. Because they were afraid of asking a dumb question.
I think
Thursday 2 April 2015
what to do
Awe. I can't sleep again. What am I going to do?
I keep thinking bad thoughts. I guess I am not okay yet. Awe. What to do?
waaaaaaaaaaaah (not kidding)
God?
I keep thinking bad thoughts. I guess I am not okay yet. Awe. What to do?
waaaaaaaaaaaah (not kidding)
God?
Wednesday 1 April 2015
note to self
note to self: Not to ask for comfort
today biggest problem: Am I a good teacher?
circumstances during the day tells me I am not. People look at me and tell me that I do not know what I am doing. And that I do not have organization. Should I prove them wrong? How do I humbly accept? No one gives me confirmations now. And then you would ask, "Why do you need others to compliment you." Aubrey Ah Yi is really good at doing that. She confirms. Then there is someone else who always adds "but" at the end of the sentence. I ask because I don't want to ruin someone's learning. But how can I possibly do that when I care so much. Does it even count or matter? Man.
today biggest problem: Am I a good teacher?
circumstances during the day tells me I am not. People look at me and tell me that I do not know what I am doing. And that I do not have organization. Should I prove them wrong? How do I humbly accept? No one gives me confirmations now. And then you would ask, "Why do you need others to compliment you." Aubrey Ah Yi is really good at doing that. She confirms. Then there is someone else who always adds "but" at the end of the sentence. I ask because I don't want to ruin someone's learning. But how can I possibly do that when I care so much. Does it even count or matter? Man.
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