The happiness series

Happiness is a choice.
I choose to be happy.
I choose to be optimistic.
I choose to be a ninja.
I shall be hidden among the stars and come out only when absolutely necessary. When I can stay unexcited and not over-thrilled.
I shall keep you in my prayer while I go about my business.
Love you and will think about you where I go.
It is however time to bid goodbye.
I place you in the father's hands and now that you will be taken care of.
I am not worried.
Peace. ^^

morning rant

Today, I send my sister away on her vacation. I had to wake up at 3:30 to drive her.
I have worship practice today, so I've decided to take it easy today. Go through my day one thing at a time without stopping. I want to rebuild my reputation. Because I have been acting so like myself these days. I feel a little naked. So I need to dress up a little. I have not had a date in a while with devotion. So I mean to do that soon. Cross fingers. Everybody happy day.

hi

I have only I thing to say.
Wish you are here. I have the whole world to talk about.

DumDumDumDum morning ruined

Dear diary:
My morning is ruined.
Today is Wednesday. I am always happy on a Wednesday. Today is the day I get to force Dumdum to sit beside me for approx. 30 min. That was always fun because you can never predict what Dumdum's mood is on that day.
Regardless, I have a breakfast date with Jojo. So I was pretty pumped about today. All except, the sky fell when Mother asked to my schedule and wished to incorporate her schedule into my prearranged schedule. This is not about flexibility, but respect. I guess w both exploded. I woke up at 6 this morning, excited. Now, I am crawling back to bed because I am guilty. This is something I should work on. I should think so. I know Mother is under a lot of stress and whenever possible I should help relieve it by cooperating. I can't help but blame myself for my short-temper and emotional uprising.
So now, I don't feel like I can act silly like in my original plan with Dumdum. I was going to review my story with Dumdum since Dumdum missed it last week.
Anyways, random chatto. The day must go on.

exhausted day

I don't know what I did today but I am extremely exhausted. I remember it involves a lot of driving around.
I could pass out right now, but I want to finish this post..

stupid

I miss people very easily. I don't have to go away to miss them. I miss them while they are still around and when I am still around.
 I will miss you the most, because I accidently form a pretty bad habit. I am a greedy person. I always accidently have expectation.
Anyways, will miss you and am missing you.
 I guess the biggest fear is that we'll lose contact. If I don't initialize, I would have never received a friendly greeting, an invitation, nor a text message. So I am afraid, I'd have no excuse to stay in contact. Especially when I am constantly under the threat of you leaving. So what can I say? What can I do? Stupid.

this thing they call love

Okay. I have just received news that we are going to be discussing about relationship in the cell group. What is favorable impression and like? I am in trouble. "Tis not my forte!" What am I going to do?

For those that knows me. I have been keeping away from this topic for the longest time--my whole life up to this point. I am just so bad at this thing people obsess over called relationship or more specifically like or love or whatever people call them these days. In fact, I find myself being very against it. I just don't think I fit very well onto the category.

When we talk about career, I can strive for it. When we talk about self-improvement, I can also strive for that. You see when it's me we are talking about, I can almost guarantee I will eventually get there. But in a relationship there is two people and I am a very delicate person. Yes, I forgive easily, but that also means I injure quite well too. I admit I am soft. I have trouble not thinking about what I can do to make it better. So I will not survive in a relationship.

I don't have to be in a relationship to know that I will not survive. Just being with friends or with anyone I care about, I bruise easily.

Things I am afraid and am certain will happen:
1. I will become very needy. (I did not think I am that kind of person, but I have just discover that it's in my gene.)
2. I will be often emotional.
Sometimes, I can't stand myself for feeling so weak. And it's really not a good feeling when I sob. It felt like a thousand bolts running through me.
3. I will lose my ambition.
Tis my greatest fear. What will happen when my life becomes two instead of one. I already have many people to consider and care about.
4. I will be extremely immature.
I think deep inside I am hoping for someone to care for me, which is quite lame for me to think so. I can't let myself...

falling asleep again...

keeping it down low

So the goal is to not piss anyone off and slowly back away.
I am.. after a whole week of crying... a little bit dried out.
I guess Ill be okay. If I maintain this feeling of no-feeling.
Today I managed to keep my cool.

grandma

I suppose I should get back into the habit of journaling.
Today I spend the morning with my grandmother in the hospital, and the afternoon tutoring. I cant believe it was a full day, yet I have survived.
The scenario with grandmother is becoming quite complicated. She has dementia and the doc said that it's only going to get worse. Dementia is the reverse process of growing up. Grandmother would eventually be reversed back to a baby. She would not know how to eat, sleep or walk. I can't bare that. The first time I changed grandma, I cried in distress. I can change a baby, but an old woman. It was just really uncomfortable. I did do it eventually.
falling asleep
to be continue

If wish really does come true.
I wish someone can talk to me till I fall asleep.

an if possible to do list

1. Lets go to the chief
2. Lets go to playland
3. Lets watch a movie
4. Lets go to the beach
5. Lets go to the playground
6. Lets worship
7. Lets go eat Mexican
8. Lets go to Bethel
9. Lets sit at Starbucks for an hour
10. Lets go on a road trip

it seems pretty cool to imagine

just some negative thoughts. the one area that i can never comprehend

I am the most peculiar person on Earth. I realized now my mind will not let me have it the easy nor the comfortable way. It tells me things like "it doesn't matter" "nothing's going to come about it" "you will be soon forgotten" "its all being nice because person is obligated to be nice" "will be gone" "not important" "just passing by".
I am not gonna lie. It hurts.
Thinking to myself like that.
There ain't no way for me to defend myself. I am who I am. I feel what I feel. Where it stop , no body knows. Shall it stop? I shall be sad. Shall it not be stop? Tis selfish and destructive to others. Me. That is.

just be happy alway fb

One day Vanilla said to Caramel, "I am so glad you are around. Without you Caramel, it's just not the same. You will do well in the future. You are going to make lots of money. But most importantly, I wish you are happy I'm the years to come. Always."
It doesn't matter what Vanilla really wish or hope for because it is forbidden.
Vanilla is going on an adventure soon. Will she be be no longer be obsessed?

Hello

Hello
I want to record my feeling, but I dont know what to say.
The reason why I don't know what to say is because I don't know what I can say.
You know sometimes when you say something over and over again, it became more and more realistic. So I am allowed to repeat myself.
so let me be brief and start from something other than my heart and what-not.

My grandmother went into emergency again. She fell in the morning and now she is not responding properly. I didn't know how to pray for grandmommy. So I didn't. I'm not worried nor sad, because the doctor said her head is okay. But what I am sad about is the fact that when she comes back home, she is going to be stuck again. She doesn't do a lot of activities; just sleep, eat, walk around the house and then sleep some more. I feel bad for her.

I'm sleepy and I am taking tomorrow's shift.