flying

I am leaving on a jet plane.
Don't know when I'll be back again.

regret not enough

Today I was going to go up to my favorite teenager and ask him for a hug like how he did it during my grad party, but I didn't. It's regretful. I couldn't though. Don't know why. There's still that trace of being hated, though I know it isn't true. That will forever be a regret.

think hard but not too hard

Today was my day off. A little guilty for not using my time wisely. On the other hand, if I do use my time wisely, then I would not be Penpen. I have a love and hate relationship with procrastination.
I promise myself that I would sleep early today and so I can wake up early to finish off my many haven't done tasks. Oops.
1. Test out tablecloth (double sided tape)
2. Buy skewer, silver tulle, 4 bottles of Snapple apple
3. Use hot glue gun
4. SFU (print)
5. Dollar store (silver tissue, cheap frame)
6. Seating plan
7. Make set up tutorial
8. SOS crew
9. Layout sketch
10. Drink some tea

prayer prayer and more

I always fall asleep while I am journaling. Haha. So I can never finish my thoughts. Apologies.
Today I like to mention a prayer.
Dear God
I realized that my family still hasn't come out of that state of tension. It got better but things aren't back to normal yet. There are still many things to settle for grandmother's move.
Dear God, please protect mommy. She has anxiety. I am not sure what exactly triggers it. Although, partially it is my fault, but I think there is more to it.
Dear God
I worked hard on the grad party. I really did. Though I messed up and used way too much time on it. I pray that it will go well and that everyone will have fun. I think we missed that a little. Fun.
Dear God
I pray for Dumdum. Today, I was a little sad and then blank. It's okay. I pray that I don't mind people forgetting me. Even like that, I pray that I can continue to give. And I pray that once in a while Dumdum would remember me.
Dear God
I need clarification. Because people tells me that church peeps are my family. So I try my best to treat them like one. But what if they don't think I am family. I really did dedicate my youth there. I pray that everyone will dream and that everyone will be joyous chasing after their dream.

I pray that Dumdum will be confident and that he will sing. The end.

PS I am nervous for my adventure because I am going to be away from home and "home". Someone pray for me everyday.

half a thought

Alright. I decide to go back on track for journaling. I started because I realized I can't use my friend as a journal. Well, that time has come again.
I thought about it and have decided to keep calm. Words can't explain how much I want to clarify the v

strong and courageous

I didn't know I have such a profound fear of rejection.
Today, my sister told me that she has been living in the past. She couldn't rid of it and she doesn't know why. She cares a lot about how others think of her. So she gets very anxious when she remembers moments from the past, especially moments when she was embarrassed

falling asleep

hello life; good night

hello life
I am standing in the present; on the line between the past and the future.
how are you
I am constantly breathing
the last time I checked, I am still alive
how are you
fine I was just thinking about you
thinking about time
thinking about what can I do
not to worry
the chores are getting done
it will all be alright

good night

God will keep you safe

Today, I felt like I am a pretty good teacher. Other than that, I realized many people love Dumdum. Tis true.
God will keep you safe Dumdum. God will keep you safe.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Penny!!
This year I didn't bother reminding everyone of my birthday. I am a stubborn person. If I can't spend it with the person/people I want to spend it with, then I won't celebrate.
But I did remember to ask God for my three wishes. Dear God, please grant my wish, especially the first one.

you have to realize that you are loved X10000

I love you even when you say things that are meant to be hurtful.
I am frustrated.
Not at the fact that I am hurt from what you say, but the fact that you do not know how mu how much you are loved.
Why is it that when you say one thing, I hear something different?
Do you know you look drain when you pretend to be mean?
You said you don't care, but it seems like you do. I didn't want to break your front so I played the script. Sometimes I accidently fall into the trap that everything is true. But then the light hit and I realized that it is not true.
You are considerate.
You are true.
You love God and people.
I'm pretty sure I stand somewhere in your heart's well.
You will grow up well.
Someone like me will bug you after my expired date. Meanwhile, I will always be there. I'm that kind of person. I don't forget another. But I will give you the time and space now to my best discretion. Remember I will always be there mentally, spiritually, and physically (if I am not our of the country).
love you and later

down ticket price down

Hello everyone
It has been a horrendous day of heat.
I am absolutely burning and doing nothing productive.
I should be buying tickets to Hawaii now, but it's not happening.
The price needs to go down down down down for me to take action.
Please go down down down down.

i am not awkward

Dear God
I might be the only one who's staying in this age forever. I'll work hard. I will. I sort of worry about life outside of work. But I am clueless and awkward about it. I sort of miss the timing I guess. People grow up but I don't. Technically, I am sort of afraid to talk to grown up's, especially males. So who am I going to talk to now? Sigh. So sad. I remember K used to say, "Why are you so awkward?" I don't know. I just am. I like to act like I am not, but I am. Goodness gracious. I remember during C4C conference, we were counting down. And the clock strike 0. "Happy New Year!!!" People starts hugging each other, and then guys staring flooding towards me. I literally stepped on the chairs and went to the middle just so no one can come near me. I almost couldn't catch my breath then. Don't know why... No. I was not abused. Maybe I secretly believe no one would like me or something. The truth is no one did, else I would know wouldn't I. Anyways, you now know my secret.
I need to go somewhere to find myself now. Somewhere I can be anew and find new confidence.
I got so intrigues by all the grad photos--pretty girls and cute guys--that I actually took out my old grad photos. I was young, but I wouldn't consider myself beautiful. I mean I am beautiful just not that beautiful. I like my personality though. My personality was always my forte. Not recently low. It has been a little on and off. I think I should put on some weight or at the very least, I must not skip meal again. When I am stressed, I don't really eat. Hence, I think I am quite bony now.
I watch a wedding slideshow today. The bride is very pretty. She is not skinny. She may be consider big to other, but I think she looks beautiful, especially her smile. Gorgeous. So that's where I got the idea of putting some weight on. Be healthy, Penner. Be healthy.

Alright God, I'll work hard now. Please help me so I won't be so awkward. Thanks Jesus.

journey

I don't like it when everything sounds so final.
I don't like it when there's a restriction.
I don't like it when I was told, "keep this as a memory".
Is something ending?
I have trouble envisioning the  future.
Who's going to be there and what not.

on this lonely night

the only reason that made me obsessed over this person is the fact that he said (past tense) he would listen to me. The fact is he did many things (past tense) that I never expected anyone to do for me. Because I was never expected to be what-cha-m-call-it "loved". Don't know, but if you take my mom for example. She has a problem with listening to me. For some reason today she raised her voice at me when I was doing the work that was asked of me. She was defensive. I don't like when she says, "I won't ask for your help again. I'll do it myself next time."
So, at 1:30 (right now) I really want to talk to not just to anybody but just one body, but I can't. I don't just talk to anybody. I don't know what had became of this bad habit. But on this day when I felt truly underappreciated and extremely exhausted and utterly unproductive, I want to talk to him. But of course

falling asleep...