After a year

It's been a year. I only came up to to spill out some truth, so I can go back to pretend everything is A-OK, which it is to a certain point.
Can't help but still feel like a criminal.
My wish is that one day we'd sit together and talk like total strangers. Because I can talk to stranger, but I can't to you. It kills me that I cannot speak. I don't know what to say. I would, but I didn't want to say anything wrong. Or if it is just standard or courtesy for you to speak to me. I thought that I had just saved you a whole lot of time. I hate this. Not this. It's great seeing you after a really long time. But I hate the fact that I can't talk freely. Because there are doubts inside of me that you don't really want to talk to me, but you just wanted to be polite. In fear of wanting more, I avoid bumping into you. So you didn't have to talk to me.
All this made me feel that it's time for me to leave again. I am sorry that I may be mad at God for this still. I still think God is good, just sometimes I do not know the definition of good.
And there I fear that if I don't talk to you, you'd be forever gone. So I regret not swallowing my cowardliness and carry out a decent conversation.

didnt get to keep you
miss you much

dont let go God dont let go

Actually I am a little upset about giving up on ministry. I asked God for permission and I felt that He nodded. I feel a little disappointed in myself for not trying harder. I am sad that 10 years of my life went by so quickly and yet I cannot say that I had make a difference. Do I care about those people? Of course, they were my brothers and sisters. Why did I say "were"? Because I be recently learnt that maybe it's all in my head. Am I that replaceable that when I say go, I was let go with ease. I must be crazy trying to get credit for something that doesn't even belong to me. I think that most disappointing thing is that I did not just smile and wave goodbye. I del as though I have been wounded and thus let go. I really have no position in giving a tantrum because they were just approving of my decision.

I guess the big question is: Where to next?
Everything following is going to be so unfamiliar to me. God, don't let go of me.

finance always playing catch up

I am always a step behind. I didn't want to do journals anymore because I would know too much about myself. I have a million things to do or could do, so I have no time to get to know myself. That's why I haven't been blogging for a while. But today, I am back, because I realized that I wasn't getting nothing done.

So frustrated! Today I looked at one card bill and then the other. How did I end up with two card bills? This is the first month when I really cut down on the amount of money I am spending, but how come it is not reflecting on my bill. Yes, I had to pay for this and that. Legit things like tuition, plane ticket, gas, and etc... It doesn't matter, I am still behind. I am not earning money. Do you feel me? I am so... behind in life.

lemonade life

Okay everyone
false alarm
I am back to normal

I am going to ace today!

"When life hand you lemon,
make lemonade with it,
without sugar!
Then just think of how lemon is good for your health.
That's how I am going to look at it."

dont want to admit that i am sad

I am so sad.

no one knows the reason

No one wants to be rejected over and over again. But there is this one person who despite being rejected 1000 times, wants to try again. As much as I like to call this person "stupid", I can't. I don't understand this person. Perhaps, this person did not get rejected, but was constantly put on the sideline. Why on earth?

martian and earthling

It is 1 AM right now and I just finished watching "The Martian". It was a delightful movie to watch. The main character was a problem solver. In impossible situations, he survived. He held no grudge against the friends who left him behind. He took risk to become the first in everything he did. And he was overwhelming intelligent.

I think I am able to problem solve my way around life. There are times when I feel like crap. There are times when I am pretty sure I am dead and I am. But the moral of the story is to just keep going. My philosophy changed though. It was no longer to hold on to things that are dear to you, because whilst you are doing that life is slipping away from you. I am finally letting go. Took years to develop that realization. The scariest thing about letting go is having nothing to hold onto.

God is not a foreign concept to me. That is one thing I'll hold on to. I simply wish that I have more of a grip to hold onto more. Perhaps the memories that I so treasured that I have since tucked away to somewhere safe. In fear of people who would come and take it away, I've scarcely taken it out to admire it and enjoy it. I really don't want to lose those years. At the same time, I feel that I am not doing myself any favor.

Dear God. Please let me keep it.

body shuts down cant type

Didn't realized that I am so tired, but I am. My mind is still on go-go-go, while my body stopped. I was moving my eyes around but my head wasn't following. Good night

my happy list

hello
I did several things that made me happy today. I shall list them all.

I was sad yesterday and happy today. Maybe I really do have an issue and I do not have the solution for it. I am trying to take a step at a time to fix myself. Not that I need any fixing. I dont, but I do. Because carrying on this obsession is not normal. But I am stupidly stubborn to the core. Even if I lock myself up, I would still be like that. So what am I going to do with myself. I shall list out my happy list today.

1. I fed my mom and dad
2. I served my mom and dad by pumping up the gas while they wait in the car (yes, so luxurious)
3. I don't have to refine my resume yet
4. I was with my module
5. I did laundry
6. I found my final report
7. I realize my SA actually wrote me a good report
8. My friend won an ipad

bargaining with God

I always feel like I had to bargain with God. I'll give you this and you give me this. So this time, I asked for a constant friendship, in return I'll do all the right things. (As vague as that sounds.)

But God, I am going to find proof that God freely gives.

my thankful list

1. I am thankful for caramelized honey latte
2. I am thankful for the fun I had in the beginning of the service
3. I am thankful for the mentioned of my name during sharing
4. I am thankful for the student's card and gift
5. I am thankful for the students who walked me to my car
6. I am thankful for the completion of my practicum
7. I am thankful for not being block on instagram
8. I am thankful for the girls who wanted to eat dinner with me
9. I am thankful for being able to get my reference letter in less than a week
10. I am thankful for having the hope of keeping pen pal

sorry

I miss the good memories
I cant think backward and I can't think forward
not yet

well, I'm missing things
and I am just trying to stop myself from being like so
but I guess a part of me want to hold on
because its the only thing I have left
the remains of it

I am scared that ill never talk again
I am scared to try because it will never work again
I am scared that it will be gone forever
so I dont ask for much
I just stop talking
too much risk in losing when I talk

perhaps in a while

I have trouble leading worship, and that's that. There is no what,if, or but to it. I am simply gone.

simple day simple joy

today I was really happy
and I thought you should know
I hope you are too

love letter to God

God, are you a romantic individual?
Why do people find thrill in romantic relationship with humans but not you?
If you are my lover, you should be romantic.
I could picture you as my father and my friends. But if you are a man, I would picture you as a conservative individual living at home. And that just wouldn't do for me. Of course, that couldn't be it right? My God would be much more attractive than this. If I am to go out with you, you'd need to be charismatic. If you are so, open up my eyes to see the things you have done for me daily. From the moment I wake up, you whisper gentle air into my surrounding. When I step into the wilderness, I see pop of color everywhere. They are your gift for me on my way to school. You love me, but I did not give you the time to tell me so. I want things my way and I want it now. Sorry.

blank again

hello
i want to write
but i have nothing to say

i think i am mad today
but then again
i dont know what i am mad about

knock on wood

I went out with someone like a sister last week. I don't remember how we stumbled upon the topic, but I asked who does she think I will be like in the future. Her answer is utterly disappointing. She said that she sees me as someone who would chase after her career. I agree. It has been my goal up till this point in my life. Then she said it. She said that she sees me as someone who would be ALONE.

OH MY GOODNESS! 

I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE!

Even though I do not have a vision different from hers YET, but it was extremely sad to think that someone predicts my future like that.

(spit in dirt) (knock on wood) ("It's not true!" "IT'S NOT TRUE!")

I also remember telling someone that I feel bad for whoever's sticking beside me in the future. (Why do I have such a bad rep. for myself?) 

I don't know if I am confident or not.

I work well. 

I think I am a pretty good teacher.

(bitter laughter)

Okay. I'll deal with my problem now.
Just one thing that I want myself to remember.
My problem. My solution. I'll do it. 

mom

When she is stressed, she cleans.
I guess that where I got it from.
When she felt hurt and alone, she does everything herself.
I guess that where I got it from.
She doesn't talk about it.
She just kept working.
She does more than usual.
When my aunt passed away, she did that.
When you get to an age, you wonder if you could rely on your children.
As children, you wonder if you could ever do more.
It's a hard balance, this life of ours. Takes a few practice to get it almost right but never right.

untitled

I wish I could go closer

dont fade memory

My fellow readers. Have you decided to leave me now. I am back. So, don't go.

It has been a while since I have prayed for someone. It just that I felt as if I am starting to forget. I close my eyes to remember, but the memory is haste. I am so scared that memory would fade. What would my time be worth if that is the case. What would my love be worth if that is the case as well.

God will keep you save. I have said it once and I will say it twice. God loves you and that is all yo it.

Gotta help myself

I can't breathe. I tried fixing myself, but I can't breathe. I am afraid that it might interfere with work. Help.

i need to buy a condo

Fudge. Why are things not over yet?!? It is so frustrating. The freaking phone service is not my life. I should not be spending an eternity solving this. Miscommunication. Listening not understanding. Oh man... I just want some peace and quiet!!!!!!!!!!

i ran away

Hello
Happy Valentine's Day!!
For those that know me, I can't disorganization. I put things in their place. For some reasons, I tend to think that disorder in surrounding reflect disorder in the heart. So I clean up whenever I can.
You know what I really can't stand? Emotion. You can't organize it. You can't stuff it in the drawer. You can't do nothing but to deal with it, else it would always be there. I can't stand that. Especially when you have to be messy while dealing with it. You have to cry to let your true feeling show. I think that is the only way to let sorrow out of your system.
What happened recently is that I have a lot of feeling that I don't really have the time to deal with it. The time I need is alone time. Being alone to recollect myself. Typically I would like a time to challenge myself and by overcoming such challenge, I'd think that there is still hope for myself.
I was really stressed about school. It's the amount of things that have to be on my mind the whole time. Then, because I have feeling of abandonment that I have not dealt with plus the amount of organization I have to keep track of in school, I am already physically drained. Then, I have to reflect on my relationship with God because I am leading a band. And I just couldn't do it. I could stuff this into my mental to-do list because there are just so many things undone. So I tried to stuff it in. When I finally managed to shove it in, my mother exploded with such anxiety that I did something terribly wrong. It almost seemed that I doomed the entire family. (Whereas I like to think that everything in life is reversible, fixable, and not devastating, my mother likes to think the opposite.)
Just when I thought, I took care of one thing and an finally getting organized, she shoved an entire stack of paper into the drawer and demands my attention immediately. I lost it. I pushed the drawer over and ran away.
And now, I am back to clean up the mess.

Everything in life is an analogy.

a childs prayer

It's regretful that we don't play together anymore.

dedication

dear God
I like to be an intercessor
please grant me this privilege and perseverance
I like to be the witness of your power
I like to see a warrior arise in the name of Christ
I will put my faith in you
in Jesus' name
Amen

worried about self

Dear diary
I am worried about myself. I have been feeling like crying but I have not bawled. I have been feeling like talking but I have not speak a word. I am worried about myself because there is this gulp that is stuck in my gut. I have not been eating nor sleeping well because I am so tired and stressed. I am worried that I have developed a bad habit of not talking. It is really scary because I almost cried in school today. And when I said school, I meant not as a student but a teacher. That my friend is a big no no. And thus I am worried about my mental state.

something again

I tried to be happy and it really worked.
For a little while, then it poof-ed.
I happened like this, I was in the shower when I started to sing.
I sang something like this:
"I'd call but I have no voice,
so come close to me."
I was happy afterwards and I've decided to have a whole new attitude. "Let's do this, I said."

Then, a change in the game.
Mother called. She told me why she was frustrated yesterday. What she wished from us.
And I am back to my confused self. What should I do? What more should I do? What can I do? Mom can't be sad because of me/us.
Then, I have to so something.
I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
I am what ever is left of my time.
Maybe take a little less off that, a little thought off that too.
Am I allowed to say that I am tired.
I feel bad saying so. Whoever's unhappiness, it's all my fault--that sort of mentality.

hello

hello hello hey lolo
hi!
I don't know what to say
it is one of those days
miss

dear God

How is it possible that I wish to be someone's happiness? Like I want to make people happy. One in particular. If I get another chance. I hope.

practicum week

There is a hope that one day we can catch up and I would have lots to say. I think many times I review what I would say. Sometimes once. Sometimes twice. Sometimes it ran through my head a couple of time and I realized I don't need to say it anymore because I felt as if I had said it.
I have been really stressed. I almost thought I couldn't make it to the end of the week. But here I am. I guess I am a survivor. So does a survivor has to be alone? In the morning I couldn't stand it when people talk. I need to think and I can't think when there are noise. So I suppose I really need to live on my own.
I think with this business I would never have a dull moment to think too much. I just need to focus on surviving. That could be my saving grace.

Dear God
Sorry I have not been talking to you. I can't atm, but I am working on it. Meanwhile, I pray for my friend because midterm is coming up. Bless the studying process.
Amen

Hope too frail

So I wad about to message someone that "I am soooooooooo nervous about tomorrow!" But my iPod was dead. So I took it as a sign that I shouldn't message the person and expect a reply or something of comfort. And that makes me really sad. So now I am typing here as if I've talked about it with someone but I really didn't. I am kind of really really sad about it.

My sissy just told me something interesting. It made me ponder because you know I like a good puzzle. She said that someone is asking someone out through someone else. She didnt say much, but I look for clues. Haha.

Well...if that someone is asking me out, I am telling you I will be leaving on the next flight out. Not interested. Just in general. No offense anyone. But of course I could be just over thinking it. Let's hope so.

You are my son

We ask why the world cries in vain. We ask where is God.
We ask why are the corrupted getting away with things.
Does He not care? Is He not good?

The One enthroned in heaven laughs;
    the Lord scoffs at them.
 “I have installed my king
    on Zion, my holy mountain.” (Ps. 2)

I think we did not realize that it is He who puts us on Earth.
We are His secret weapon.

love and love a lot

The people you lose, you can't hold onto.
But what can you do, when life get to you.
There are opportunities to come, and mountains to conquer.
So how dare I think I am the one who is
Able to walk with forever.

I thought I am constant, but maybe I am changing as well.
It's all for the better, I am telling you so.
One day our cross will meet and you will know
That we have became two different souls.
We've both transform from a caterpillar to a butterfly.
No matter what stage or age we were.

So I wish you the best and await the time
When we meet on that other line.
God will keep you close, because I told Him so.
And He told me He has already done so.

Love and laugh a lot.

body and mind

When you are sick, your mental capability go down as well. Your mind goes everywhere with no limit. You have no restraint. The. You become weak in both body and mind.

just my grandma and me

Today, I visited grandma. I took her for a walk and I played the piano for her. While I was playing the piano, another grandma came by to listen. I wasn't playing well. In fact I haven't played in the longest. I've almost forgotten everything that my teacher has taught me. That grandma told me she played piano before. I told her I wasn't any good and am just a beginner, but she said that's okay. I like that. I think I am going to play piano for my grandmother every week. I should practice a song a week.
Then, I took grandma back to her room and sang hymn with her. She sang with me of course. It made me really happy to see grandma sing. When I said goodbye to her, another grandma (a different one) came and said, "I wish you could sing for me next time. You sing well. You just need a different song." It made me really happy. I just compliment like this more than ever. Although, it may not be the most justify but I think compliments that come from children and old people are the most sincere. What I like the most is that the grandma said "I like you. You have a good attitude." I got complimented on my attitude. Yay! I tried so hard to have a good attitude and a good character. I said I tried hard because like everyone else there are dog poops in my life. But I tried to scoop it up and make my life clean and happy. I really do try to keep up a good attitude and character. I am so glad someone sees that.

things

I kept on wanting to start a new blog--something anew. I want a do-over. Sometimes ago when I did not present myself as vulnerable. It's hard to pretend to be strong when you already admit that you are weak. It's not that I am not strong. How do you even define strength? I am able to be alone. Does that mean I am strong? In fact I am getting better and better with that. I don't have to tell people how I feel. I don't have to admit to everything. I simply don't say. I don't think that's healthy, but in a minute. I promise in a minute, I'll get better.
I am trying to fight off this flu (literally). I was sick yesterday and still recovering today. And then you realized that in the moment of your physical sickness, you can be mentally too.
Now I think about it, is there someone that does not felt supported by me. And because of that it is difficult for the person to do the things she wanted to do. And because of that she felt defensive.
PDP is demanding. It's all part of the profession. You have to put in 100%. It's for the kids you know. But boy am I exhausted from the first week.
If we ever do get coffee, I hope we can talk casually and I get to relax. Need it.

I really do miss you.