Sunday 14 February 2016
Gotta help myself
I can't breathe. I tried fixing myself, but I can't breathe. I am afraid that it might interfere with work. Help.
i need to buy a condo
Fudge. Why are things not over yet?!? It is so frustrating. The freaking phone service is not my life. I should not be spending an eternity solving this. Miscommunication. Listening not understanding. Oh man... I just want some peace and quiet!!!!!!!!!!
i ran away
Hello
Happy Valentine's Day!!
For those that know me, I can't disorganization. I put things in their place. For some reasons, I tend to think that disorder in surrounding reflect disorder in the heart. So I clean up whenever I can.
You know what I really can't stand? Emotion. You can't organize it. You can't stuff it in the drawer. You can't do nothing but to deal with it, else it would always be there. I can't stand that. Especially when you have to be messy while dealing with it. You have to cry to let your true feeling show. I think that is the only way to let sorrow out of your system.
What happened recently is that I have a lot of feeling that I don't really have the time to deal with it. The time I need is alone time. Being alone to recollect myself. Typically I would like a time to challenge myself and by overcoming such challenge, I'd think that there is still hope for myself.
I was really stressed about school. It's the amount of things that have to be on my mind the whole time. Then, because I have feeling of abandonment that I have not dealt with plus the amount of organization I have to keep track of in school, I am already physically drained. Then, I have to reflect on my relationship with God because I am leading a band. And I just couldn't do it. I could stuff this into my mental to-do list because there are just so many things undone. So I tried to stuff it in. When I finally managed to shove it in, my mother exploded with such anxiety that I did something terribly wrong. It almost seemed that I doomed the entire family. (Whereas I like to think that everything in life is reversible, fixable, and not devastating, my mother likes to think the opposite.)
Just when I thought, I took care of one thing and an finally getting organized, she shoved an entire stack of paper into the drawer and demands my attention immediately. I lost it. I pushed the drawer over and ran away.
And now, I am back to clean up the mess.
Everything in life is an analogy.
Happy Valentine's Day!!
For those that know me, I can't disorganization. I put things in their place. For some reasons, I tend to think that disorder in surrounding reflect disorder in the heart. So I clean up whenever I can.
You know what I really can't stand? Emotion. You can't organize it. You can't stuff it in the drawer. You can't do nothing but to deal with it, else it would always be there. I can't stand that. Especially when you have to be messy while dealing with it. You have to cry to let your true feeling show. I think that is the only way to let sorrow out of your system.
What happened recently is that I have a lot of feeling that I don't really have the time to deal with it. The time I need is alone time. Being alone to recollect myself. Typically I would like a time to challenge myself and by overcoming such challenge, I'd think that there is still hope for myself.
I was really stressed about school. It's the amount of things that have to be on my mind the whole time. Then, because I have feeling of abandonment that I have not dealt with plus the amount of organization I have to keep track of in school, I am already physically drained. Then, I have to reflect on my relationship with God because I am leading a band. And I just couldn't do it. I could stuff this into my mental to-do list because there are just so many things undone. So I tried to stuff it in. When I finally managed to shove it in, my mother exploded with such anxiety that I did something terribly wrong. It almost seemed that I doomed the entire family. (Whereas I like to think that everything in life is reversible, fixable, and not devastating, my mother likes to think the opposite.)
Just when I thought, I took care of one thing and an finally getting organized, she shoved an entire stack of paper into the drawer and demands my attention immediately. I lost it. I pushed the drawer over and ran away.
And now, I am back to clean up the mess.
Everything in life is an analogy.
Tuesday 9 February 2016
dedication
dear God
I like to be an intercessor
please grant me this privilege and perseverance
I like to be the witness of your power
I like to see a warrior arise in the name of Christ
I will put my faith in you
in Jesus' name
Amen
I like to be an intercessor
please grant me this privilege and perseverance
I like to be the witness of your power
I like to see a warrior arise in the name of Christ
I will put my faith in you
in Jesus' name
Amen
Wednesday 3 February 2016
worried about self
Dear diary
I am worried about myself. I have been feeling like crying but I have not bawled. I have been feeling like talking but I have not speak a word. I am worried about myself because there is this gulp that is stuck in my gut. I have not been eating nor sleeping well because I am so tired and stressed. I am worried that I have developed a bad habit of not talking. It is really scary because I almost cried in school today. And when I said school, I meant not as a student but a teacher. That my friend is a big no no. And thus I am worried about my mental state.
I am worried about myself. I have been feeling like crying but I have not bawled. I have been feeling like talking but I have not speak a word. I am worried about myself because there is this gulp that is stuck in my gut. I have not been eating nor sleeping well because I am so tired and stressed. I am worried that I have developed a bad habit of not talking. It is really scary because I almost cried in school today. And when I said school, I meant not as a student but a teacher. That my friend is a big no no. And thus I am worried about my mental state.
Monday 1 February 2016
something again
I tried to be happy and it really worked.
For a little while, then it poof-ed.
I happened like this, I was in the shower when I started to sing.
I sang something like this:
"I'd call but I have no voice,
so come close to me."
I was happy afterwards and I've decided to have a whole new attitude. "Let's do this, I said."
Then, a change in the game.
Mother called. She told me why she was frustrated yesterday. What she wished from us.
And I am back to my confused self. What should I do? What more should I do? What can I do? Mom can't be sad because of me/us.
Then, I have to so something.
I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
I am what ever is left of my time.
Maybe take a little less off that, a little thought off that too.
Am I allowed to say that I am tired.
I feel bad saying so. Whoever's unhappiness, it's all my fault--that sort of mentality.
For a little while, then it poof-ed.
I happened like this, I was in the shower when I started to sing.
I sang something like this:
"I'd call but I have no voice,
so come close to me."
I was happy afterwards and I've decided to have a whole new attitude. "Let's do this, I said."
Then, a change in the game.
Mother called. She told me why she was frustrated yesterday. What she wished from us.
And I am back to my confused self. What should I do? What more should I do? What can I do? Mom can't be sad because of me/us.
Then, I have to so something.
I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
I am what ever is left of my time.
Maybe take a little less off that, a little thought off that too.
Am I allowed to say that I am tired.
I feel bad saying so. Whoever's unhappiness, it's all my fault--that sort of mentality.
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