Diary Entry: Report Cards

3:39
It's been a while since I've written. I've longed to come back but was weighed down by all my excuses. But here I am...

I am a teacher now and am now working on my students' report card. I have a bad habit of procrastination and it's still with me. I've come to realize that I dislike working under pressure. To combat that, I've canceled all my tutors, so I can have more time to finish my work. I don't like that about myself though. I wish I could have pushed myself a little bit more and managed to do both. I can't do that this year, but perhaps next year, I would stop canceling other plans for work. I want to be an entrepreneur. It may seem kind of random, but it is not. I always enjoy thinking of creative ways to make money. One simply cannot get rich by sticking to the rules. I will talk more on that afterward.  For now, I should get back to work... Till my next break time.

8:27
I finished! It took me 7 hours and a half working on a section of my report cards.

What I wish for myself.

I need to refocus again. So this topic is called...what I wish for myself:

I wish I could make use of my gym pass before it expires in August. I wish to go two times a week as starter.
I wish I could plan an awesome fun day for the kids on Tuesday. It will be the last day before movie day.
I wish I could do Duolingo everyday.
I wish I could limit my screen time to two hours/day.
I wish I could fulfill some promises I made, such as partnering with Myra and making summer events plans.
I wish I could the girls once a week and talk to my leader once a week.
I wish I could practice for band before Friday.

Prayer for the Day 52517

It's been long and hard these past days, but today I am starting anew again. By the strength of God, I wish I can see things in a different light today. I am a teacher. These are the students. They should respect me as I should respect them. I pray that God would teach me to recognize their potential and to be able to push them to do better. I don't want to be a mean teacher. I don't want to be unreasonable. But I am okay with being not liked. They have preferences. We all do. In terms of whether I did my best, it is more than what I see in front of me. What's inside of me is also important? In order for me to see beauty in others, I want to see the beauty in myself too. I am precious and I am trying my best. Not by words, but by action--may God be my witness. But I am doing even more today. I am giving the authority to God to break me and to humble me. The lesson for me this season is to humble. To remain a servant, while gaining my confidence. So help me God.

Finding my voice again

The scariest thing on Earth is to have no voice. Since I decided to keep it all in--all my thoughts--nothing comes out anymore. Before I used to have a lot to say. I want to share about everything, because I thought someone would be interested. It's all kept inside of me now. Scattered bits and pieces. I don't have much to say about church anymore. I like to express myself. I like to mention how much I miss the past,  but there's always a hindrance. I am teaching myself to speak again. Then perhaps, I can find my words back.

After a year

It's been a year. I only came up to to spill out some truth, so I can go back to pretend everything is A-OK, which it is to a certain point.
Can't help but still feel like a criminal.
My wish is that one day we'd sit together and talk like total strangers. Because I can talk to stranger, but I can't to you. It kills me that I cannot speak. I don't know what to say. I would, but I didn't want to say anything wrong. Or if it is just standard or courtesy for you to speak to me. I thought that I had just saved you a whole lot of time. I hate this. Not this. It's great seeing you after a really long time. But I hate the fact that I can't talk freely. Because there are doubts inside of me that you don't really want to talk to me, but you just wanted to be polite. In fear of wanting more, I avoid bumping into you. So you didn't have to talk to me.
All this made me feel that it's time for me to leave again. I am sorry that I may be mad at God for this still. I still think God is good, just sometimes I do not know the definition of good.
And there I fear that if I don't talk to you, you'd be forever gone. So I regret not swallowing my cowardliness and carry out a decent conversation.

didnt get to keep you
miss you much

dont let go God dont let go

Actually I am a little upset about giving up on ministry. I asked God for permission and I felt that He nodded. I feel a little disappointed in myself for not trying harder. I am sad that 10 years of my life went by so quickly and yet I cannot say that I had make a difference. Do I care about those people? Of course, they were my brothers and sisters. Why did I say "were"? Because I be recently learnt that maybe it's all in my head. Am I that replaceable that when I say go, I was let go with ease. I must be crazy trying to get credit for something that doesn't even belong to me. I think that most disappointing thing is that I did not just smile and wave goodbye. I del as though I have been wounded and thus let go. I really have no position in giving a tantrum because they were just approving of my decision.

I guess the big question is: Where to next?
Everything following is going to be so unfamiliar to me. God, don't let go of me.