rambling on

It was easier to talk to you when I am away. Being far gives me the courage to be rejected. Being close by is different. I have to pretend to not care. I think perhaps as time goes, it will be that way. Except guess what, I am stubborn as hell. My mom never taught me to give up. In fact, I practice not giving up all of my life. It's not about giving up though. It's doing what id the best for another. I mean it's unhealthy. The way I am thinking. I will indefinitely end up destroying someone. You know what sucks the most. It is that I have known that if I show too much of myself, it's not going to be attractive. Did you not known that I can be the most attractive person from afar? Wow. I didn't know I am that insecure. All the more reason to work on myself.

trying to sleep

I can't sleep so I'm going to write to myself. It's interesting how your mind works. How can my mind be stuck in a certain era. I miss you a little. Only a little. Can't pinpoint who what where when why though.
Meanwhile, I have came to learn that I am attractive in one way or another. I have little admirers from school. I'm glad I mad a little impact. Such as the earthquake that just happened 5 minutes ago.

"no se" (spanish)

I have an obsession, I swear. I tried not to care but it's not working. The funny thing is I gave someone an advice in regards to situation like this. The advice is to focus on something else. Whereas for her, it is a timing issue. For me, it is a heart issue. Until my head clears, I will remain. I just hope I clear it up be for I get too old. I am beginning to think I am going to the on sale rack. Well, the good news is that I learned that my situation is not unique to myself. Others are just as special as me. Truth be told, I am a little disappointed. Well, I hope either my heart or my brain figue itself out soon. Meanwhile, my passion will keep me busy. Hopefully.

highschool

Sometimes, I just can't sleep. So today, I am thinking about highschool. Which group did I belong to in highschool? Was I the nerds? I don't think so. Was I the the popular kids? Definitely not man. So I guess I was the average-Joe. I was really nice though. I still am. I do think sometimes people take advantage of me. The problem is I wouldn't think so.

So I haven't checked my messages for the longest time, because I am learning to be patient. No. I just don't like the feeling of disappointment when I realized no one replied me or that my message has not been read. I always turned off my device as soon as I pressed send because I don't want to see any response to my msg. Reason is there would be none. Gosh. I act like a highschooler. And that my faithful friends, I am in deep poo.

missing you

I am not quite sure what I miss anymore. I don't even remember. Today, I look through the album and sort of remembered. I think I do miss you. I miss grandma too.

understanding myself is a long process

Sometimes, I think it is necessary to fall in order for you to know that it's important for you to watch your steps. That is the case with life, no? I am sorry. Despite how horrible I felt, I still do as I pleased. I don't know what hope am I holding on to. I don't know why I hold on to the one person who does not want to talk to me. I don't know why I cant see past it. I don't know what I can't see past. I am trying to understand myself from an objective point of view. I don't cringe anymore. I am just amazed at myself. I allow myself to do what I want and then I stand back and shake my head.

Dear Jesus
It's been a while. Will I ever go back?

out

there something wrong with me feeling
its out of order
I should have learned something in high school but I didnt because I didnt think it was necessary for me to learn at the time
now I'm out of order