Not guilty

Just when you think you are all good and righteous. It hits you that you are not. As I am fighting for my life, I can't but hurt a few others. Is that right though? When do I know that it's too much. Standing up for yourself and saying that's not what I want to do for the rest of my life. The problem is I haven't find what I want to do. But I am looking. I thought I am getting closer to my destination, but when I looked back, I realized there is no one beside me. I am in the middle of nowhere.

My mom wanted to expand the daycare that we have. I wanted to become a teacher, but I have been sticking around school for way too long. She wanted me to help her out. I can see where this is going. I feel like I am eventually going to be stuck in somewhere I don't want to be. So I said no. Am I too defensive? What is my problem? She needed help. But I kept wanting to go my own way.

I have been a good girl all my life. For a big part of it, I wanted to be bad. No, I don't mean drug and alcohol. I meant doing what I want and not what I am expected. Looking back, I have always been rebelling, not in the most violent way, but inside my mind. I convince myself that this is not the place I want to be. I told myself to rely on no-one but myself. Now, I am afraid there is no going back. I don't know how to accept other or their hands. I feel so lost yet still determined to find my way out. Help me God.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2X2Kh4Sn0Y&feature=related