i am not awkward

Dear God
I might be the only one who's staying in this age forever. I'll work hard. I will. I sort of worry about life outside of work. But I am clueless and awkward about it. I sort of miss the timing I guess. People grow up but I don't. Technically, I am sort of afraid to talk to grown up's, especially males. So who am I going to talk to now? Sigh. So sad. I remember K used to say, "Why are you so awkward?" I don't know. I just am. I like to act like I am not, but I am. Goodness gracious. I remember during C4C conference, we were counting down. And the clock strike 0. "Happy New Year!!!" People starts hugging each other, and then guys staring flooding towards me. I literally stepped on the chairs and went to the middle just so no one can come near me. I almost couldn't catch my breath then. Don't know why... No. I was not abused. Maybe I secretly believe no one would like me or something. The truth is no one did, else I would know wouldn't I. Anyways, you now know my secret.
I need to go somewhere to find myself now. Somewhere I can be anew and find new confidence.
I got so intrigues by all the grad photos--pretty girls and cute guys--that I actually took out my old grad photos. I was young, but I wouldn't consider myself beautiful. I mean I am beautiful just not that beautiful. I like my personality though. My personality was always my forte. Not recently low. It has been a little on and off. I think I should put on some weight or at the very least, I must not skip meal again. When I am stressed, I don't really eat. Hence, I think I am quite bony now.
I watch a wedding slideshow today. The bride is very pretty. She is not skinny. She may be consider big to other, but I think she looks beautiful, especially her smile. Gorgeous. So that's where I got the idea of putting some weight on. Be healthy, Penner. Be healthy.

Alright God, I'll work hard now. Please help me so I won't be so awkward. Thanks Jesus.