Diary Entry: Report Cards

3:39
It's been a while since I've written. I've longed to come back but was weighed down by all my excuses. But here I am...

I am a teacher now and am now working on my students' report card. I have a bad habit of procrastination and it's still with me. I've come to realize that I dislike working under pressure. To combat that, I've canceled all my tutors, so I can have more time to finish my work. I don't like that about myself though. I wish I could have pushed myself a little bit more and managed to do both. I can't do that this year, but perhaps next year, I would stop canceling other plans for work. I want to be an entrepreneur. It may seem kind of random, but it is not. I always enjoy thinking of creative ways to make money. One simply cannot get rich by sticking to the rules. I will talk more on that afterward.  For now, I should get back to work... Till my next break time.

8:27
I finished! It took me 7 hours and a half working on a section of my report cards.

What I wish for myself.

I need to refocus again. So this topic is called...what I wish for myself:

I wish I could make use of my gym pass before it expires in August. I wish to go two times a week as starter.
I wish I could plan an awesome fun day for the kids on Tuesday. It will be the last day before movie day.
I wish I could do Duolingo everyday.
I wish I could limit my screen time to two hours/day.
I wish I could fulfill some promises I made, such as partnering with Myra and making summer events plans.
I wish I could the girls once a week and talk to my leader once a week.
I wish I could practice for band before Friday.

Prayer for the Day 52517

It's been long and hard these past days, but today I am starting anew again. By the strength of God, I wish I can see things in a different light today. I am a teacher. These are the students. They should respect me as I should respect them. I pray that God would teach me to recognize their potential and to be able to push them to do better. I don't want to be a mean teacher. I don't want to be unreasonable. But I am okay with being not liked. They have preferences. We all do. In terms of whether I did my best, it is more than what I see in front of me. What's inside of me is also important? In order for me to see beauty in others, I want to see the beauty in myself too. I am precious and I am trying my best. Not by words, but by action--may God be my witness. But I am doing even more today. I am giving the authority to God to break me and to humble me. The lesson for me this season is to humble. To remain a servant, while gaining my confidence. So help me God.

Finding my voice again

The scariest thing on Earth is to have no voice. Since I decided to keep it all in--all my thoughts--nothing comes out anymore. Before I used to have a lot to say. I want to share about everything, because I thought someone would be interested. It's all kept inside of me now. Scattered bits and pieces. I don't have much to say about church anymore. I like to express myself. I like to mention how much I miss the past,  but there's always a hindrance. I am teaching myself to speak again. Then perhaps, I can find my words back.

After a year

It's been a year. I only came up to to spill out some truth, so I can go back to pretend everything is A-OK, which it is to a certain point.
Can't help but still feel like a criminal.
My wish is that one day we'd sit together and talk like total strangers. Because I can talk to stranger, but I can't to you. It kills me that I cannot speak. I don't know what to say. I would, but I didn't want to say anything wrong. Or if it is just standard or courtesy for you to speak to me. I thought that I had just saved you a whole lot of time. I hate this. Not this. It's great seeing you after a really long time. But I hate the fact that I can't talk freely. Because there are doubts inside of me that you don't really want to talk to me, but you just wanted to be polite. In fear of wanting more, I avoid bumping into you. So you didn't have to talk to me.
All this made me feel that it's time for me to leave again. I am sorry that I may be mad at God for this still. I still think God is good, just sometimes I do not know the definition of good.
And there I fear that if I don't talk to you, you'd be forever gone. So I regret not swallowing my cowardliness and carry out a decent conversation.

didnt get to keep you
miss you much

dont let go God dont let go

Actually I am a little upset about giving up on ministry. I asked God for permission and I felt that He nodded. I feel a little disappointed in myself for not trying harder. I am sad that 10 years of my life went by so quickly and yet I cannot say that I had make a difference. Do I care about those people? Of course, they were my brothers and sisters. Why did I say "were"? Because I be recently learnt that maybe it's all in my head. Am I that replaceable that when I say go, I was let go with ease. I must be crazy trying to get credit for something that doesn't even belong to me. I think that most disappointing thing is that I did not just smile and wave goodbye. I del as though I have been wounded and thus let go. I really have no position in giving a tantrum because they were just approving of my decision.

I guess the big question is: Where to next?
Everything following is going to be so unfamiliar to me. God, don't let go of me.

finance always playing catch up

I am always a step behind. I didn't want to do journals anymore because I would know too much about myself. I have a million things to do or could do, so I have no time to get to know myself. That's why I haven't been blogging for a while. But today, I am back, because I realized that I wasn't getting nothing done.

So frustrated! Today I looked at one card bill and then the other. How did I end up with two card bills? This is the first month when I really cut down on the amount of money I am spending, but how come it is not reflecting on my bill. Yes, I had to pay for this and that. Legit things like tuition, plane ticket, gas, and etc... It doesn't matter, I am still behind. I am not earning money. Do you feel me? I am so... behind in life.

lemonade life

Okay everyone
false alarm
I am back to normal

I am going to ace today!

"When life hand you lemon,
make lemonade with it,
without sugar!
Then just think of how lemon is good for your health.
That's how I am going to look at it."

dont want to admit that i am sad

I am so sad.

no one knows the reason

No one wants to be rejected over and over again. But there is this one person who despite being rejected 1000 times, wants to try again. As much as I like to call this person "stupid", I can't. I don't understand this person. Perhaps, this person did not get rejected, but was constantly put on the sideline. Why on earth?

martian and earthling

It is 1 AM right now and I just finished watching "The Martian". It was a delightful movie to watch. The main character was a problem solver. In impossible situations, he survived. He held no grudge against the friends who left him behind. He took risk to become the first in everything he did. And he was overwhelming intelligent.

I think I am able to problem solve my way around life. There are times when I feel like crap. There are times when I am pretty sure I am dead and I am. But the moral of the story is to just keep going. My philosophy changed though. It was no longer to hold on to things that are dear to you, because whilst you are doing that life is slipping away from you. I am finally letting go. Took years to develop that realization. The scariest thing about letting go is having nothing to hold onto.

God is not a foreign concept to me. That is one thing I'll hold on to. I simply wish that I have more of a grip to hold onto more. Perhaps the memories that I so treasured that I have since tucked away to somewhere safe. In fear of people who would come and take it away, I've scarcely taken it out to admire it and enjoy it. I really don't want to lose those years. At the same time, I feel that I am not doing myself any favor.

Dear God. Please let me keep it.

body shuts down cant type

Didn't realized that I am so tired, but I am. My mind is still on go-go-go, while my body stopped. I was moving my eyes around but my head wasn't following. Good night

my happy list

hello
I did several things that made me happy today. I shall list them all.

I was sad yesterday and happy today. Maybe I really do have an issue and I do not have the solution for it. I am trying to take a step at a time to fix myself. Not that I need any fixing. I dont, but I do. Because carrying on this obsession is not normal. But I am stupidly stubborn to the core. Even if I lock myself up, I would still be like that. So what am I going to do with myself. I shall list out my happy list today.

1. I fed my mom and dad
2. I served my mom and dad by pumping up the gas while they wait in the car (yes, so luxurious)
3. I don't have to refine my resume yet
4. I was with my module
5. I did laundry
6. I found my final report
7. I realize my SA actually wrote me a good report
8. My friend won an ipad

bargaining with God

I always feel like I had to bargain with God. I'll give you this and you give me this. So this time, I asked for a constant friendship, in return I'll do all the right things. (As vague as that sounds.)

But God, I am going to find proof that God freely gives.

my thankful list

1. I am thankful for caramelized honey latte
2. I am thankful for the fun I had in the beginning of the service
3. I am thankful for the mentioned of my name during sharing
4. I am thankful for the student's card and gift
5. I am thankful for the students who walked me to my car
6. I am thankful for the completion of my practicum
7. I am thankful for not being block on instagram
8. I am thankful for the girls who wanted to eat dinner with me
9. I am thankful for being able to get my reference letter in less than a week
10. I am thankful for having the hope of keeping pen pal

sorry

I miss the good memories
I cant think backward and I can't think forward
not yet

well, I'm missing things
and I am just trying to stop myself from being like so
but I guess a part of me want to hold on
because its the only thing I have left
the remains of it

I am scared that ill never talk again
I am scared to try because it will never work again
I am scared that it will be gone forever
so I dont ask for much
I just stop talking
too much risk in losing when I talk

perhaps in a while

I have trouble leading worship, and that's that. There is no what,if, or but to it. I am simply gone.

simple day simple joy

today I was really happy
and I thought you should know
I hope you are too

love letter to God

God, are you a romantic individual?
Why do people find thrill in romantic relationship with humans but not you?
If you are my lover, you should be romantic.
I could picture you as my father and my friends. But if you are a man, I would picture you as a conservative individual living at home. And that just wouldn't do for me. Of course, that couldn't be it right? My God would be much more attractive than this. If I am to go out with you, you'd need to be charismatic. If you are so, open up my eyes to see the things you have done for me daily. From the moment I wake up, you whisper gentle air into my surrounding. When I step into the wilderness, I see pop of color everywhere. They are your gift for me on my way to school. You love me, but I did not give you the time to tell me so. I want things my way and I want it now. Sorry.