Diary 9514 AM

I am sitting on the picnic table in my backyard now.

If I stay in my room, I will be too comfortable.

So I pour myself a cup of tea, grabbed my headphone, lyric sheet, Bible, and head outside.

There is a certain level of serenity here.

My mom had the laundry up. A soft breeze of air brushes the seam of the cloth, and the leaves sway.

It's a bright and sunny day.

"The moon will be as bright as the sun, and the sun will be seven times brighter—like the light of seven days in one! So it will be when the LORD begins to heal his people and cure the wounds he gave them." -Isa 30:26 

That was the verse from two days ago. "7X brighter." His glory shall be 7X brighter than what I am seeing now.

Sure, I'd like to fix the things I have said. I like to rephrase it so I don't sound so vulnerable. I want to sound intelligent as if I had everything under control. But, I'd said it and I couldn't go back and change it. 

Dear Diary 9414

No fair. I always fall in it deeper than anyone else. Oh man. You have presented yourself as too fragile. O'de ke. No fair. I want to reject people too. Why am I always the one getting hurt. Probably not entirely true, but I don't care. Everyone else can pull out so much faster than I can.

Awe. How can I even show up tomorrow with this mixed emotion? Awe. Why can't I be neutral?

(Run around crazily.) What to do? What to do? How can I do something spiritual when I am not even thinking about spiritual things?

I am so sorry.

Dear God, I really need a ticket out of here. Please. It's the only way to save me from embarrassment and further ridiculing myself.

Awe. I'll miss bugging people though. Who am I going to bug now?
Awe. I need a legit reason to stop thinking and start focusing.
Awe. If I do get in PDP, I might be going away for a couple month. Can't you be nice to me till then?
Even my own brother can't stand my immaturity. I really got to pull my act together.
HELP! SOS!

Got hit on by a GRANDPA

Just got hit on by a 60-some years-OLD man.

Usually when I see a grandpa, my beware-of-creepy-guy radar doesn't immediately set off.
I enjoy talking to grandpa, because they remind me of my own. Because it was embedded in my childhood memory, I have always imagined my grandpa as the most loving. That memory was blurred and intermixed with a picture of me on my grandpa's lap. It was a picture/memory submerged in a warm tone color.

Anyways, this old man is no grandpa.
He is single, and looking for fresh meat.
At first he asked if I got school.
I laughed and said, "I am far past school.  I am a graduate."
He said I look young.
That does not sound foreign to me at all.
What surprised me and made me cringe is the fact that he intended on preying on an underage female.
So I might have exaggerated for a bit, because there is no way for me to prove his intention. Regardless, he has somewhat shattered my all grandpa are safe kind of imagination.

The conversation ended when I refused to give him my phone number.
Judging from a few years ago, I can indefinitely say I am no men-magnet, but I am definitely attractive to a 40-60-some-OLD men.

Somewhat of a Haiku "Reciprocate Love"

The concept of reciprocate love.
His grace has brought me thus far.
I can only imagined.

Diary 9314

Dear Diary

So I guess honesty and vulnerability comes at its price. It isn't always the right option. I thought by being open, you gained more understanding and tolerance. But instead you just feel more vulnerable, because it's as if someone can see right through you. Bare and naked.

You know I've always have a soft spot for people being nice to me. I get overly attached. I am too welcoming. No defense mechanism. Now I am developing one in defense of myself and my fragility.

I have a tingly feeling at the beginning of 2014 that I will be learning about love this year. Now before you get the wrong idea. Love comes in different forms and sizes. It does not imply romantic.

Last year someone broke my heart. I asked for it though. The conversation stopped all of a sudden and I am left alone again. In reply, that person simply said, "I don't know what to say to her anymore." Ouch! All of a sudden, I realized I imagined it all up. I made up the scenario in my mind that we are good friends, when really we have no commonality. That was last year around August.

This year, I realized I am somewhat of a "perv." because I became overly attached to someone significantly younger than me. Yes, I know I am scary. I think so too. To prevent further damage, I say onto myself "enough is enough, stop confusing the young soul". This is the end of August and the beginning of September.

Too weird. Too not suitable for this kind of thing. Too inexperience. Too naive. Too silly.
I guess fall is just not my season.

Matthew 2

Could it be that Joseph was afraid to go back to Judea, then he prayer, and then in a dream he was warned to withdrew to the district of Galilee. Because if that was the case. Then God allowed men to have a say in the path that was already carved out for men.
"and he went and lived in a town called Nazareth. So was fulfilled what was said through the prophets. "He will be called a Nazarene." (Matthew 2:23)

Whenever I am uncertain about the road to take, I should come before Him earnestly and just ask Him to reveal a little bit more so I can map out my way better.

Restart

Everyone wants a restart at some points in their life.
I wanted one now.
There are many times when I choose to run away, but a STOP sign stood in front of me.
It forced me to go back and faced whatever it is that I should stand up to.
That is... the GRACE of God.
Giving me no other ways out, except through the front door.
"Don't RUN, don't ESCAPE," He said
"I placed these people here to train you, so you can better do the work of God."

I remembered God's promise to David,
"I will raise up your offspring to succeed you, who will come from your own body, and I will establish his kingdom... I will establish his kingdom."

I read Matthew 1 and asked, "Why does Jesus have to come under the heritage of David?"

Because of the promise that was previously given to David...
David's line is the only line that can be considered the line of royalty. It is not something that can be changed.

When God make a promise, He make sure it is fulfilled.

It is as if I need to start this process of learning all over again.
i AM a worshipper.
i AM called to lead.
i AM to love.
i AM to be brave.
i AM to be greater.

So as a little pledge I said to myself, "Arise and go on. He goes with you."