Dear God
Please help me.
I am so exhausted, but I can't go to sleep without finishing my writing assignment for my PDP application.
Yes, I am reapplying again for the umpteenth times.
That's partially the reason for my anxiety.
The next is the several things I have to do for this week.
I want to do everything.
Everything that popped into my head seems like an opportunity of improvement for me.
So I accomplish them.
But I feel like I am running out of gas.
Personally, I really like to ask for help.
Like literally screaming, "Yo, am I the only one who cares around here?!?!"
Obviously, that's not true. Everyone cares somewhat.
But...please do something.
Dear God. Help me finish the outline of this writing in half an hour.
Let me sleep earlier please.
In Jesus' name
Amen
Monday 27 October 2014
Diary 102714
Dear Diary
I feel dead.
Very much so.
I have been staring at a blank wall for some time now.
To me, that's a bliss.
The number of things to do just come one right after another.
There is no time for rest.
Plus at the time of rest, I just had to be thinking of useless things.
Seriously out of it.
What to do?
My room is in a mess, which had never happened before.
I hate messy room and unorganized surrounding.
But I am too dead beat to clean up now.
...EXHAUSTED!
I thought I am that much more stress tolerant.
I thought wrong!
I feel dead.
Very much so.
I have been staring at a blank wall for some time now.
To me, that's a bliss.
The number of things to do just come one right after another.
There is no time for rest.
Plus at the time of rest, I just had to be thinking of useless things.
Seriously out of it.
What to do?
My room is in a mess, which had never happened before.
I hate messy room and unorganized surrounding.
But I am too dead beat to clean up now.
...EXHAUSTED!
I thought I am that much more stress tolerant.
I thought wrong!
Friday 24 October 2014
Diary102414
連想都不能想
一想就覺得在犯罪
又不是故意的
這樣子我連藉口都沒有了
不能跟我玩了吧
Alright, I am exaggerating again.
Take a deep breath.
Now, run away.
一想就覺得在犯罪
又不是故意的
這樣子我連藉口都沒有了
不能跟我玩了吧
Alright, I am exaggerating again.
Take a deep breath.
Now, run away.
Monday 20 October 2014
Neverland
Today, I was able to look at myself in the mirror and make faces at myself.
I screamed on top of my lung in the car and I talked to myself for all I want.
I realized I am really not from this planet.
My comeback rate is too strong, even I am amazed.
As long as I stay in "NeverLand", I can be happy.
If there is really that one person who can stay by my side.
This person would have to bear the following:
The ability to withstand noise, immaturity, and my up-and-down emotional roller coaster.
I am too much of a drama queen.
Sorry, can't help it.
:P
I screamed on top of my lung in the car and I talked to myself for all I want.
I realized I am really not from this planet.
My comeback rate is too strong, even I am amazed.
As long as I stay in "NeverLand", I can be happy.
If there is really that one person who can stay by my side.
This person would have to bear the following:
The ability to withstand noise, immaturity, and my up-and-down emotional roller coaster.
I am too much of a drama queen.
Sorry, can't help it.
:P
Tuesday 14 October 2014
Diary 101414
My dearly beloved invisible readers, whom I have discovered to be mostly from France.
Bonjour. Merci pour livrez mon blog. Although you may never read this particular post. I thank you regardless.
I am about to puke.
I just forced a good hearty sandwich and soup down my gut.
And on top of that, I drank a whole large cup of earl grey tea with 2 cream and 1 sugar.
If I closed my eyes right now, I may fall into a deep slumber that even the most handsome prince charming will not be able to wake me up. Yes, I am this tired. But the good news is I am finally earning faster than I spent. Mostly because I have no time to spend my money. Haha. Back to work again... Oh boy
Bonjour. Merci pour livrez mon blog. Although you may never read this particular post. I thank you regardless.
I am about to puke.
I just forced a good hearty sandwich and soup down my gut.
And on top of that, I drank a whole large cup of earl grey tea with 2 cream and 1 sugar.
If I closed my eyes right now, I may fall into a deep slumber that even the most handsome prince charming will not be able to wake me up. Yes, I am this tired. But the good news is I am finally earning faster than I spent. Mostly because I have no time to spend my money. Haha. Back to work again... Oh boy
How to reclaim my perkiness?
1. Always eat breakfast.
I have been skipping breakfast for the longest time, though it was my favorite meal. To encourage myself on eating breakfast, I shall always have eggs, tea and yogurt in stock.
No breakfast is complete without an egg.
Tea calms me and gives me a sense of serenity.
I love Greek yogurt.
2. Sing in the shower.
I will always prepare a song to sing in the confined space of the bathroom. What can I say, singing makes me happy. Outrageous singing makes me even happier. Plus, the bathroom has good acoustic.
Note to self: buy lavender decor (the color palette is just breathtaking)
3. Check Facebook once and only once before bedtime, unless there is an absolute emergency.
A lot of times we are too dependent on technology and social networks to connect us to the world. Get out there. See real people and be engage to your natural surrounding.
4. Talk a walk and have a moment to yourself.
You are not going to get any work done in that state. So get up, take your I-pod or your Nokia, put your playlist on shuffle and just get out of the house. Rain or shine. It's good for your spirit, and for your heart as well.
5. Watch a sappy movie once in a while.
You bottled up your emotion and tell yourself it's okay. You drained your energy so you can sleep at night. What you really need is to cry. Unfortunately, you were made to be a crybaby. You have already acknowledge that, so just accept it. Give yourself the excuse to cry like a baby while dodging judgmental comments.
6. Pamper yourself.
I haven't been shopping in the longest time! I wasn't able to because I have no income. I have been stealing my sister's face wash and lotion for a while now. She found out... So now I got to buy my own...
7. Do not initiate in any new opposite gender conversation.
I am too tough and stubborn. Once I start, I couldn't stop. I can't stand being ignored, so I always wind up being the last one standing. Literally, people leave and I am always there watching them walk away. So I concluded that for the time being, I am not ready to engage myself in any new discovery of human species. I'll just stick to the people I know for now. To not be ridicule, I shall try to stay away from interaction.
For the time being, that's the plan.
I'll report back with my progress.
I have been skipping breakfast for the longest time, though it was my favorite meal. To encourage myself on eating breakfast, I shall always have eggs, tea and yogurt in stock.
No breakfast is complete without an egg.
Tea calms me and gives me a sense of serenity.
I love Greek yogurt.
2. Sing in the shower.
I will always prepare a song to sing in the confined space of the bathroom. What can I say, singing makes me happy. Outrageous singing makes me even happier. Plus, the bathroom has good acoustic.
Note to self: buy lavender decor (the color palette is just breathtaking)
3. Check Facebook once and only once before bedtime, unless there is an absolute emergency.
A lot of times we are too dependent on technology and social networks to connect us to the world. Get out there. See real people and be engage to your natural surrounding.
4. Talk a walk and have a moment to yourself.
You are not going to get any work done in that state. So get up, take your I-pod or your Nokia, put your playlist on shuffle and just get out of the house. Rain or shine. It's good for your spirit, and for your heart as well.
5. Watch a sappy movie once in a while.
You bottled up your emotion and tell yourself it's okay. You drained your energy so you can sleep at night. What you really need is to cry. Unfortunately, you were made to be a crybaby. You have already acknowledge that, so just accept it. Give yourself the excuse to cry like a baby while dodging judgmental comments.
6. Pamper yourself.
I haven't been shopping in the longest time! I wasn't able to because I have no income. I have been stealing my sister's face wash and lotion for a while now. She found out... So now I got to buy my own...
7. Do not initiate in any new opposite gender conversation.
I am too tough and stubborn. Once I start, I couldn't stop. I can't stand being ignored, so I always wind up being the last one standing. Literally, people leave and I am always there watching them walk away. So I concluded that for the time being, I am not ready to engage myself in any new discovery of human species. I'll just stick to the people I know for now. To not be ridicule, I shall try to stay away from interaction.
For the time being, that's the plan.
I'll report back with my progress.
Monday 13 October 2014
Just a little lost
Do you know what happen when you take one support off a rectangular table?
It still stands.
But it is not stable.
Not is it safe.
I fear for myself because I could be laughing a day ago and then crying the day after. I am not a phony. I am sincerely laughing and crying at the same time.
Right now, I was supposed to put in 3 hours to prep for the 5 hours tutor tomorrow. But I can't, because my tears blurred my eyes and my thoughts cluttered my mind and I can't come up with a direct reason to why I am like this.
Then, I panicked because I can't get any work done and I can't possibly postpone my work because I need a full day tomorrow to prep for the day after.
I am so tired.
I am an honest person, so I'll tell you this. I am a Christian. I believe in a God who heals. I believe in a Father who comforts. I believe in a friend who listens. But right now, I feel so helpless. No, I don't need any atheist advice right now. I still believe, but I wish there were someone around. I can't help but think that a lot of times, God wants me to go about it alone. A long time ago, I thought I would be okay with that. But now, I realized I am really not that independent.
Today, I found out that the person who had treated me as a friend but later on dropped me as if I was a stranger to began with, left. A good heart person like me left him a message. I said goodbye. Then, I realized that the last message he sent me was on my birthday last year. He said that I will be a good teacher...
Well, that's ironic...
From that moment and on, I haven't stopped crying.
What am I going to do with myself?
It still stands.
But it is not stable.
Not is it safe.
I fear for myself because I could be laughing a day ago and then crying the day after. I am not a phony. I am sincerely laughing and crying at the same time.
Right now, I was supposed to put in 3 hours to prep for the 5 hours tutor tomorrow. But I can't, because my tears blurred my eyes and my thoughts cluttered my mind and I can't come up with a direct reason to why I am like this.
Then, I panicked because I can't get any work done and I can't possibly postpone my work because I need a full day tomorrow to prep for the day after.
I am so tired.
I am an honest person, so I'll tell you this. I am a Christian. I believe in a God who heals. I believe in a Father who comforts. I believe in a friend who listens. But right now, I feel so helpless. No, I don't need any atheist advice right now. I still believe, but I wish there were someone around. I can't help but think that a lot of times, God wants me to go about it alone. A long time ago, I thought I would be okay with that. But now, I realized I am really not that independent.
Today, I found out that the person who had treated me as a friend but later on dropped me as if I was a stranger to began with, left. A good heart person like me left him a message. I said goodbye. Then, I realized that the last message he sent me was on my birthday last year. He said that I will be a good teacher...
Well, that's ironic...
From that moment and on, I haven't stopped crying.
What am I going to do with myself?
Thursday 9 October 2014
Diary 10092014
Alright, I am giving my self a good 10 minutes to throw all my junk out.
Starting now!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Life is so stressful!
I don't want to work!
I don't know nothing!
Why don't you understand that I don't want to grow up?
I don't want to worry about money!
I don't want to tutor all day long, all week long, and all life long!
I don't want to have no time to do anything else!
Why arn't you giving me a welcoming invitation to do something else rather than me being stuck in the circle of life?
The truth is I got to stay around to find out what would happen if I work hard.
But why is it not enjoyable YET!
Gotta find out.
Gotta go back to work now.
Peace out!
Starting now!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Life is so stressful!
I don't want to work!
I don't know nothing!
Why don't you understand that I don't want to grow up?
I don't want to worry about money!
I don't want to tutor all day long, all week long, and all life long!
I don't want to have no time to do anything else!
Why arn't you giving me a welcoming invitation to do something else rather than me being stuck in the circle of life?
The truth is I got to stay around to find out what would happen if I work hard.
But why is it not enjoyable YET!
Gotta find out.
Gotta go back to work now.
Peace out!
Thursday 2 October 2014
Diary 100214
Dear Diary
I feel like my heart is malfunctioning.
Whenever I laugh or cough, something is poking at my rib.
I realized I really can't show too much emotion.
It physically pain me.
I have a lot of work to do now.
First thing's first. I got to pay off my student loan.
Fighting.
I hope I can survive the 4 month and hopefully extend another 2 month.
加油
I feel like my heart is malfunctioning.
Whenever I laugh or cough, something is poking at my rib.
I realized I really can't show too much emotion.
It physically pain me.
I have a lot of work to do now.
First thing's first. I got to pay off my student loan.
Fighting.
I hope I can survive the 4 month and hopefully extend another 2 month.
加油
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