These days, I have been lazy. I woke up in the morning and I simply son't know how to start my day. "What can I look forward to today?" I asked myself. Sometimes, it depends on the weather. On a bright sunny day, I feel a little bit more motivated. On Wednesday, I am usually more cheerful, because there is a little bit something out of the ordinary.
Sometimes, when I look at myself in the mirror, I see a beautiful capable young lady. I want to do everything for this young one. Yet, many other times, I see a little girl so afraid to be left alone. And frankly, I do not know what to do for this girl. You see. I can be strong. So very strong and independent that I do not need anybody. Really I do think I can take on the world. I have the full confidence that my Father made me out to be strong and capable. I also believe my Father made me out to be vulnerable. It's the one part of me that I cannot control and it is the very part that kept me real and alive. I am a human, no?
From time to time, a little voice inside me reminds me to be bright and playful. I should not be trouble by the worries, the unknown, nor the ambivalence. I don't know, but tomorrow's worry is in the One who holds the world in His hand. I want to be free. I want to fly. I want to live outside the box. I want to be a silly little girl, who does not know the limit. I want to dream and be happy. Yes. That's what I want to be. Happy. Just be happy.
Tuesday 31 March 2015
Monday 30 March 2015
Are you coming?
I really don't have much to say. I feel very blank now. Maybe I am tired or maybe I am lonely or maybe I am struggling with authority. So many possibilities.
Who am I? And what am I to do? Who is to come with me? How far can I go? Am I restricted to the playing field or can I go outside the box? Can you come with me? Can you run faster? Can you dream with me? Can you don't leave me alone?
I was left alone.
Dear Jesus
Please speak louder.
Please empower not me, but someone else.
Who am I? And what am I to do? Who is to come with me? How far can I go? Am I restricted to the playing field or can I go outside the box? Can you come with me? Can you run faster? Can you dream with me? Can you don't leave me alone?
I was left alone.
Dear Jesus
Please speak louder.
Please empower not me, but someone else.
Sunday 29 March 2015
life here and there and everywhere
Hello
So, I can't really put into words of what I am feeling right now. Everything is going well. I felt like I am in a comfortable place in life now. I have students lining up. My friend is talking to me like I matter. I am supporting my family. PDP accepted me. Everything is going well, but I am still quivering. I felt as if so much is going on, even though it isn't. I meant to say something is still unraveling. A mysterious plan of some sort.
Before you think I am going crazy, I will explain. Idea are popping into my head. Various things I can do to put a smile on people's face. There are a lot. My hands and feet can't catch up to my mind. I can't turn it off though. I felt as if it would put a smile on someone's face, then why not. I make time for everything.
Stop. Let me just express my affection.
I want to play on the swing!
Where are you when I need you to play on the swing?!
Resume life.
So, I can't really put into words of what I am feeling right now. Everything is going well. I felt like I am in a comfortable place in life now. I have students lining up. My friend is talking to me like I matter. I am supporting my family. PDP accepted me. Everything is going well, but I am still quivering. I felt as if so much is going on, even though it isn't. I meant to say something is still unraveling. A mysterious plan of some sort.
Before you think I am going crazy, I will explain. Idea are popping into my head. Various things I can do to put a smile on people's face. There are a lot. My hands and feet can't catch up to my mind. I can't turn it off though. I felt as if it would put a smile on someone's face, then why not. I make time for everything.
Stop. Let me just express my affection.
I want to play on the swing!
Where are you when I need you to play on the swing?!
Resume life.
Friday 27 March 2015
love is simply how God speaks
Guess what?
I can't tell you~~~
Just kidding.
Today was another happy day, simply because I get to hang out with someone I thought would never ever hang out with me again.
I was so nervous and on guard that I nearly puke. You may ask, then why do I hang out with such a person. No reason. Simply really want to. Life should be simpler in turns of how people act towards one another. I simply care a lot. Too many people perversity the word "love", but it should be the most natural thing when it comes to His creation. If I have to sit and wonder is showing love and feeling loved is a wrong thing to do. Then, I don't know if that is really the language of love.
There is one thing though. I do not know how long I deserve this feeling. You see I dare no ask to receive. I can give out of free will; but I can't expect to receive because that is not my will. I thought about it last night and I cringed a little.
But as of this moment, I am happy.
I can't tell you~~~
Just kidding.
Today was another happy day, simply because I get to hang out with someone I thought would never ever hang out with me again.
I was so nervous and on guard that I nearly puke. You may ask, then why do I hang out with such a person. No reason. Simply really want to. Life should be simpler in turns of how people act towards one another. I simply care a lot. Too many people perversity the word "love", but it should be the most natural thing when it comes to His creation. If I have to sit and wonder is showing love and feeling loved is a wrong thing to do. Then, I don't know if that is really the language of love.
There is one thing though. I do not know how long I deserve this feeling. You see I dare no ask to receive. I can give out of free will; but I can't expect to receive because that is not my will. I thought about it last night and I cringed a little.
But as of this moment, I am happy.
Thursday 26 March 2015
good day
Today is a good day because I receive gift from M&M's world. My language of love is gifts. I like the fact that people think about me while they are doing their own things. I am so glad I am not forgotten. Even better, I got three gifts. I know I sometimes act less than my age. And sometimes, I wonder if I should act my age. The main reason for it is that it might weird someone out. But if I feel accepted just as I am, then that is okay. I am still mature when I want to be. But when I am at ease, I think this is my natural self. In all case, I am very satisfied today.
Monday 23 March 2015
An advice for my vulnerable self
Sometimes, you have to sit far back from your immediate environment and give yourself some good advice. The ones that you would give to a friend.
1. You have to be honest with yourself and your situation.
It's true. I admit. I had been very depressed. Had been and is still having. But I am making the decision to altar that negativity into the Words He had promised.
It's true. I have no solution to the mixed emotion I had been having. I have unknown memories of fear in commitment and relationship. I combat with myself almost every time when my feeling seemed to be out of control.
When in my life, have I developed this theory of independence; of the declaration that I must do everything on my own and that I was made to be stronger and "alone".
In which segment of my life, did I begin to think that I am blemished, unattractive, and unworthy.
That is NOT me.
How is it that I am constantly battling with thoughts or good and evil, when the truth is the truth.
God's word is that I have created you in my own image. I have created you to be lovely and beautiful; to be attractive and desirable.
Meanwhile, I have feeling to which I cannot control and cannot hide. I am incapable of loving and am incapable of acting.
No, it's not that I do not love but that I have too much love.
Do you know what happen when you have an overwhelming amount of love? You put yourself at a vulnerable state of being.
Indefinitely, don't give out of your love, give it out of Father's love. There is really no such thing as having too much love. Until you are ready, He will wait for you. Whatever state are in, He is there for you. So, it's okay to hide. Enjoy and know that you are in the palm of His hand. It's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to not know what to do. Healing takes its time and time is always in His control. Let now be now.
1. You have to be honest with yourself and your situation.
It's true. I admit. I had been very depressed. Had been and is still having. But I am making the decision to altar that negativity into the Words He had promised.
It's true. I have no solution to the mixed emotion I had been having. I have unknown memories of fear in commitment and relationship. I combat with myself almost every time when my feeling seemed to be out of control.
When in my life, have I developed this theory of independence; of the declaration that I must do everything on my own and that I was made to be stronger and "alone".
In which segment of my life, did I begin to think that I am blemished, unattractive, and unworthy.
That is NOT me.
How is it that I am constantly battling with thoughts or good and evil, when the truth is the truth.
God's word is that I have created you in my own image. I have created you to be lovely and beautiful; to be attractive and desirable.
Meanwhile, I have feeling to which I cannot control and cannot hide. I am incapable of loving and am incapable of acting.
No, it's not that I do not love but that I have too much love.
Do you know what happen when you have an overwhelming amount of love? You put yourself at a vulnerable state of being.
Indefinitely, don't give out of your love, give it out of Father's love. There is really no such thing as having too much love. Until you are ready, He will wait for you. Whatever state are in, He is there for you. So, it's okay to hide. Enjoy and know that you are in the palm of His hand. It's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to not know what to do. Healing takes its time and time is always in His control. Let now be now.
prayer
Today I was really happy. I really like D's voice. I am glad. Super duper glad D is singing again. This was an interesting conference. Can't really put it into words but something is happening.
I still want to say a prayer for D though.
Dear God
Bless D
I know you'll keep him safe.
You love him very much.
so keep him safe.
I still want to say a prayer for D though.
Dear God
Bless D
I know you'll keep him safe.
You love him very much.
so keep him safe.
Saturday 21 March 2015
back and forth
So much back and forth. It's so hard. In the beginning I want to come forth and be true. And now, I want to continue to hide and be invisible. Why aren't you cooperating? So scary. Damn it. How do I overcome this? This is for me, not for you!!! I need to conquer this.
Keep calm, Penner. Keep Calm. Everything will be okay.
Keep calm, Penner. Keep Calm. Everything will be okay.
Can we keep it, Dad?
Today is the first day of the conference. It's called the "Identity Conference". Donna Parachin is speaking. I don't really know who she is nor how powerful she is. But I do know something is going on that I can't explain. I have a feeling that God is taking me out of my comfort zone. And frankly I don't really know I I want to go out into a place where there is no people I know who would be behind me. I am terrify. Did God call me out to be alone? By all means, He most certainly didn't. But I felt like that. Because I don't to share my thoughts with everyone. Fact is I only really mention it to family and one outside of family family member. The rest of my secrets and thoughts are scattered among people in bits and pieces. Now here is the most serious legit problem for me. Actual family aside, if my outside of the family family member shows sign of unwillingness to be my family, then what do I do? Truth is I do have trust issue. And there is something I have to deal with. But when I finally solve the challenge and learned the lesson. Is God going to release that person and then that person will be gone from my life? Where are you taking me? And what should I do? Can I keep every VIP? Can I just be normal please? Can I stop please, so I can keep Dummy?
Dear God.
What if I am unable to pass the test?
What I I hurt people along the way?
What if I did something wrong?
It is never wrong to care right?
So help me God!
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. (Philippians' 4:13)
Dear God.
What if I am unable to pass the test?
What I I hurt people along the way?
What if I did something wrong?
It is never wrong to care right?
So help me God!
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. (Philippians' 4:13)
Thursday 19 March 2015
warning another sad post
I thought I was feeling better this morning until I realized my "beloved" brother took my car. Good bye schedule. You know that feeling when you wake up in the morning and you feel like you are ready to take on the day. You make your plan and you step out of your room. And the. You realize nothing you plan can go accordingly because you dont have a CAR.
Recently, I have been taking on different personalities. And it scares me because these are not unfamiliar terrains. I think I was an overly-compulsive child when I was young. I need everything to look perfect. When I write, it has to look exactly like a printed font. So it usually takes me a unusual amount of time. Recently, that Hulk from my past came back to haunt me. When something looks crafty, I either want to throw it away or just deny ita creator.
In conclusion, I have been really negative.
I miss Dummy. Dummy said I did well when I didn't expect any compliments. Anyways, i am realm trying hard to rid of this horrible negativity. I think I need to pray or something. I don't know. Everything seems so strange yet so familiar. I am scared. Just a bit.
Recently, I have been taking on different personalities. And it scares me because these are not unfamiliar terrains. I think I was an overly-compulsive child when I was young. I need everything to look perfect. When I write, it has to look exactly like a printed font. So it usually takes me a unusual amount of time. Recently, that Hulk from my past came back to haunt me. When something looks crafty, I either want to throw it away or just deny ita creator.
In conclusion, I have been really negative.
I miss Dummy. Dummy said I did well when I didn't expect any compliments. Anyways, i am realm trying hard to rid of this horrible negativity. I think I need to pray or something. I don't know. Everything seems so strange yet so familiar. I am scared. Just a bit.
Wednesday 18 March 2015
its that time of the month
Good news people. When I woke up in the morning yesterday, I was relieved to find my punctuation was here. FYI this has nothing to do with pregnancy. But this has everything to do with my crazy emotion recently. I finally have an excuse for my moodiness. Now I am glad to say this is all just hormones and nothing more. I'll return to normal soon. Cross fingers.
Dear God. Please give me more good news.
Dear God. Please give me more good news.
Sunday 15 March 2015
stuck in a gap
I am beginning to realize how delusional I have been. What in the world was I thinking? Now, I just how that I can break free of this delusion. Because quite frankly, it is embarrassing. Usually, I pray people leave me so I have no choice but to leave them. God, why am I like this? What is the meaning of this non-sense? 3 month? I believe you said three month. What's going to happen in three month. I am scared. Am I going to move on? Am I going to be forgotten? I just want you to know how embarrassed I felt every time I miss someone. It is ultimately shameful.
I pray that all the best will come to you.
I pray you'll soar like an eagle.
I pray I'll always pray.
I also pray that you will never ever respond.
And on that note, I pray that God will save me from feeling lost.
I pray that all the best will come to you.
I pray you'll soar like an eagle.
I pray I'll always pray.
I also pray that you will never ever respond.
And on that note, I pray that God will save me from feeling lost.
Saturday 14 March 2015
exhausted
There were 50-some people reading my blog in the last month. Flabbergasted. Am I the study subject of an unknown research? Why would anyone follow my blog?
I don't know what's wrong with me. I am so sad these days. I think it's just that I am tired. I have been working so hard in life: I have completed many application, I have been constant with my tutoring, and now I have also taken on the task of designing for the conference. I didn't realize it but I am physically exhausted. But who cares?
What's wrong with me? Bye
I don't know what's wrong with me. I am so sad these days. I think it's just that I am tired. I have been working so hard in life: I have completed many application, I have been constant with my tutoring, and now I have also taken on the task of designing for the conference. I didn't realize it but I am physically exhausted. But who cares?
What's wrong with me? Bye
Saturday 7 March 2015
Thursday 5 March 2015
tired
It was a really long day. I am really exhausted. Towards everything. I am.
Hi.
Want to take a break?
Want to stop the time?
Just for a few days?
Can I get everything I want just for a few days?
There is a reason I went to the playground last year.
There is a reason for me to want to escape for a short while.
Why is that taken away from me?
Hi.
Want to take a break?
Want to stop the time?
Just for a few days?
Can I get everything I want just for a few days?
There is a reason I went to the playground last year.
There is a reason for me to want to escape for a short while.
Why is that taken away from me?
Wednesday 4 March 2015
tomorrow is the day after today
Today was a good day, but I can't tell you why. I'll get in trouble. I can't be too happy either, because it might disappear. My goal is to sleep early, but I am afraid the day will end too soon.
Today I was honest. I was not thinking or maybe I am, but I was thinking so fast that it became instantaneous. I said EVERYTHING on my mind and did EVERYTHING that came to mind. I was so outrageous! And that makes me a "loser". Oops. I don't know. I suppose I just don't want to be forgotten.
Today I was honest. I was not thinking or maybe I am, but I was thinking so fast that it became instantaneous. I said EVERYTHING on my mind and did EVERYTHING that came to mind. I was so outrageous! And that makes me a "loser". Oops. I don't know. I suppose I just don't want to be forgotten.
Tuesday 3 March 2015
add oil Penner
well it's tricky
although the negative thing to say here is that the ship is slowly sinking, but I felt as though I should say the opposite.
it's not sinking, but it's definitely not as intact as previous
oh oh
what am I doing wrong
what did I do wrong
or perhaps this is a trial designed to train my brain at improvisation
although the negative thing to say here is that the ship is slowly sinking, but I felt as though I should say the opposite.
it's not sinking, but it's definitely not as intact as previous
oh oh
what am I doing wrong
what did I do wrong
or perhaps this is a trial designed to train my brain at improvisation
part anxious still optimistic...
Dear God
I guess that I have forgotten that praising your was my secret weapon against the cruelty of this world.
As some of you may know (possibly none) I have been trying to apply for a teaching program in Canada. Yesterday, I received news that my friend got in. She got an email notification. Anxiously, I checked as well. No email. My friends said that it was probably because I have applied for an extra component, so I had to wait. I feel kind of crappy though. Everyone gets in on their first try. I still haven't got in. Maybe it's time my confidence and optimism gets a reality check. I really think I am going to be a great teacher. Or I am just stubborn. I don't like getting rejected. Maybe that's why. Maybe I am pursuing something that's not meant to be mine.
But anyways, my stubbornness is what keeps me going. I wonder how I'll end up in the future.
I thought I should let you know of some projects I have been working on. I have to utilize this shine shine to my advantage. Stop mopping and clear the fog.
Will introduce the projects in my following blog.
I guess that I have forgotten that praising your was my secret weapon against the cruelty of this world.
As some of you may know (possibly none) I have been trying to apply for a teaching program in Canada. Yesterday, I received news that my friend got in. She got an email notification. Anxiously, I checked as well. No email. My friends said that it was probably because I have applied for an extra component, so I had to wait. I feel kind of crappy though. Everyone gets in on their first try. I still haven't got in. Maybe it's time my confidence and optimism gets a reality check. I really think I am going to be a great teacher. Or I am just stubborn. I don't like getting rejected. Maybe that's why. Maybe I am pursuing something that's not meant to be mine.
But anyways, my stubbornness is what keeps me going. I wonder how I'll end up in the future.
I thought I should let you know of some projects I have been working on. I have to utilize this shine shine to my advantage. Stop mopping and clear the fog.
Will introduce the projects in my following blog.
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