Speechless

Miss

You.

Diary 91814

I am confused.
More confused than ever!

How does this work?
Why did this happen?

Dear God
You are responsible!
If you allow such thing to happen,
You have to see us to the end of this.
I cannot put it into perspective.
I cannot grasp the way you do.
Those words about healing, about revival.
What am I to do?

This is WWII in our church.
Comfort those who choose to follow you to the end;
those who choose to remain in your faithfulness for days.
Strengthen them.

I will see you to the end of this.
This is not the ending you had promised.
You know I am addicted to your promises.
I will not stop until I see it being fulfilled.
Even if it means till the end of my days.
I will still hope.
I will still pray.

Rise up and respond to our cries.
Rise up and do not remain silent.
You see everything.
Can you not hear our silent plea?
Manifest your power and your Holy Spirit.
Take hold and do the incredible.
Now.
Now!

Jesus, I pray.
Amen

So Much Planning, So Little Time

I am just taking a break from doing nothing to voice out my "stuckness".
I feel like I have to re-plan my whole entire life. (over-exaggerated)
The hardest part about falling is getting up.
You see, falling, aka failing, is not a big deal. (Unless you are an eighty years old, then you might want to visit the emergency.) But I am young and beautiful. I have my whole life ahead of me.
The problem is... How do I get there?
Where do I go from here?
How should I pick myself up?
Where do I put my hands and feet?

ARISE AND SHINE
MIGHT WARRIOR

getting there

Literally Can't Cry

The hardest part is getting up after you fell.
And no one else can help you, except yourself.

Something is absolutely wrong with me.
I
CAN'T
CRY

You don't understand. This is serious.
I feel sad, but I can't cry.
And the worst part is I cry when I don't want to cry.

Someone told me that I am stuck and that I am purposely suppressing my emotion.
Although true, but I didn't want to be like this to a point that I feel like I may be sick.

My only source of expression is through worship.
I uncontrollably can't stop tearing up when I worship.
The lyric hit hard. I opened my mouth and no sound came out.
I didn't know what to do.
Seriously panicking and seriously don't know what to do.
If this happens again, then what do I do?
Is this healing?
From what though?
Am I really that devastated?
By what though?

I wanted to release myself by crying at home, but I can't.
Tear starts to fall and then it was as if I sucked it back in.
It stopped.

It is so scary when the feeling of sadness overwhelmed me and I can't let it go.

I'll be okay.
I'll be okay.

Teaching to the unity within a team

"Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too."

(Philippians 2:4)

"For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him." 

(Philippians 2:13)

We all have the desire to serve in worship. That is the biggest reason to you being here. The desire that was placed in you was so apparent that it cannot be denied. While you are here, seek to excel, seek to unveil the power that was invested in you. At the same time, seek to bring out the best in each other. The essence of a team is that not one is perfect that that the team present itself as a whole picture. One covers another in their times of need, in their imperfection.

Humility seeks to not outshine one another, but it seeks to direct the spotlight to another, only so to honor that person, but not to dishonor oneself. For we are all made in the image of God. 

Where did your storm come from?

Where did your storm come from?

"The storms of life can present terrific challenges and opportunities for us to grow. But it makes a great deal of difference which storm you're in."

"Others face storms because they are in the middle of God's will. He doesn't like the storm, but He wants to train you to use tools He's given you to calm it."

"In the midst of your storm, stir up your faith in the One who will show you where you put your tools. Regardless of where your storm came from, you have been trained for this moment. You do know what to do."

-Bill Johnson

I think I do know what to do.

Although, I was about to head in the opposite direction.

Should I stir up my faith and expect another miracle?

Should I continue to strive for the glory of His kingdom?

Should I become even more vulnerable and transparent?

These are some false understanding of Our Father up above.

1. He does not provide.

2. He does not like seeing tear.

These are where these false understanding came from.

Our father on earth has a lot to do with how we look at Our Heavenly Father.

Like I have mentioned before my father does not bring the bread in the family. What toll does this have on me? A certain level of independence that does not enhance my identity as the princess in the family. Financial burden is a curse in my family. It was so apparent throughout my growth that I swear I will never place practicality over the value of life. Unfortunately, it is the constant reminder of that swear, that I have indeed fell into the whirlwind of that curse. However, I hereby command that curse to be broken and demand its escape from my household. In the name of the Father, I release myself from the stress of finance burden and upheld the love of Christ in my life. He is for me and not against. I will walk upon the path that was so greatly highlighted in my life. I will remain in the court of the Lord for the rest of my life.

Whenever we get hurt, whenever we get sad and needy, we cry, and my dad would tell us to stop crying. Crying agitates him. It confuses him and gives him great discomfort. He does not know how to react to the little drops of the tear sliding down his children's cheek bone. That prohibited lots of crying on my behalf and distant me from a normal dose of expression. Though, I still cry a lot--only under reasonable circumstances though, such as underneath the influence of a sappy movie. There are exception to that rule though--during worship.  Once I came to ask God why I cry so much and then I asked him to remove my tear. I told him tear seems weak and I do not want to be weak. Then He said that my tears are precious and that it is my weapon in times of spiritual warfare. 

In the beginning of the year, He told me He is going to teach me the hardest lesson I have yet to understand. He told me I was to learn about love. Rejected by the idea in the beginning, but now I am starting to understand as events start to unravel.

Love is never letting go even in times of insufficiency.

Love is vulnerability and trust in the intimacy of relationship.

For everything there is a season,
    a time for every activity under heaven.
2 A time to be born and a time to die.
    A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal.
    A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to cry and a time to laugh.
    A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
    A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6 A time to search and a time to quit searching.
    A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear and a time to mend.
    A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate.
    A time for war and a time for peace. (Ecclesiastes 3)

Dairy 9914

The greatest enemy against faith is practicality.
                                                                                                                                  At least in my story.


            Funny, the only way she could comfort me is to remind me that crying is not the answer.


My father was not a provider.
                                     
                                               My mom brings home the bread.
                                   
                                                                                                   Subconsciously, that's who He is to me.

                       I struggle to believe, "He made all things work together for my good."



Worship is my way of rejuvenation.
Worship is His way of comfort.
Worship is our way of walking together.

When I sing, I sang in spirit and in truth.

Unfortunately now, I am deprived of my energy again.

PS: How can that kid not even say a word of thank you for my cleverness. I already dialed down so much. Not fair...

Rejected by Dream

So let me explain why I have gone missing in in action for the past two days.

Friday morning, I woke up, not exceptionally ecstatic. Did whatever I could for my mom's daycare. Took my computer and headphone out to my back porch. Brew myself a tea and was about to have a moment to myself. Couldn't resist temptation and decide to look on Facebook. My friend from education class posted, "Thank God I got into PDP!"

Excited and nervous at the news, I rushed to go open the mail. I am telling you, "I got this in the bag". When I saw the letter lying there peacefully in the mailbox. I honestly wasn't sure if I should awaken it from its sleep. I did. Little by little I tore the envelope opening. I cannot for the life of me, open the damn thing in one slit. "Dear applicant," it said. "Nothing yet," I thought. "You have applied to the Professional Development Program," it continued. "Why am I doing this to myself," I thought again. "2014!" "Seriously! Skip the obvious man." "At Simon Fraser University." "Again with the long name... Why are you teasing me, God?" By this time, I am laughing and crying over the fact that God likes to be humorous.

...

"Unfortunately, your application has been rejected."

At the sight of that word, my eyes teared up. Unsure of what to do now, I started to walk home. Then all of a sudden, the past 7 years flashed through my mind. I couldn't help but start sobbing.

I am a clumsy person. The past two times, I shamefully accepted my defeat because I did not meet the requirement of application. I failed one course requirement and had too low of a GPA. This time, I waited. I upgraded my experience, raised my GPA, and aced my missing course (I literally finished the course with 98%). But this time, I was rejected again. AGAIN. I am lost...

People driving by must have thought I was weird. Being overly dramatic. Indeed, I was. I squat down by the corner of the entrance to my cul-de-sac. I stayed there for a few minute, dumbfounded, meanwhile, tear slid down the side of my face. I realized by that point that there is no way I can go home in my state of being. So I walked away. It doesn't matter which direction I was going, I just kept walking.  I picked whichever road I am most unfamiliar with and just kept walking. Until I can finally tame my emotion, I kept walking. Until I can make sure the wind wiped away my teared and soften the redness in my eyes, I kept walking.

Rather sooner than later, I went home and told my mom as calmly as I could. Shocked, she tried to comfort me.

Words of encouragement sound much too cliche for me at that point. "Being poised and attentive to my emotion is the best I can do now. So please, don't ask me to come up with a plan right that instant. Your wariness only stir up the worst of my confusion at the moment."

Diary 9514 AM

I am sitting on the picnic table in my backyard now.

If I stay in my room, I will be too comfortable.

So I pour myself a cup of tea, grabbed my headphone, lyric sheet, Bible, and head outside.

There is a certain level of serenity here.

My mom had the laundry up. A soft breeze of air brushes the seam of the cloth, and the leaves sway.

It's a bright and sunny day.

"The moon will be as bright as the sun, and the sun will be seven times brighter—like the light of seven days in one! So it will be when the LORD begins to heal his people and cure the wounds he gave them." -Isa 30:26 

That was the verse from two days ago. "7X brighter." His glory shall be 7X brighter than what I am seeing now.

Sure, I'd like to fix the things I have said. I like to rephrase it so I don't sound so vulnerable. I want to sound intelligent as if I had everything under control. But, I'd said it and I couldn't go back and change it. 

Dear Diary 9414

No fair. I always fall in it deeper than anyone else. Oh man. You have presented yourself as too fragile. O'de ke. No fair. I want to reject people too. Why am I always the one getting hurt. Probably not entirely true, but I don't care. Everyone else can pull out so much faster than I can.

Awe. How can I even show up tomorrow with this mixed emotion? Awe. Why can't I be neutral?

(Run around crazily.) What to do? What to do? How can I do something spiritual when I am not even thinking about spiritual things?

I am so sorry.

Dear God, I really need a ticket out of here. Please. It's the only way to save me from embarrassment and further ridiculing myself.

Awe. I'll miss bugging people though. Who am I going to bug now?
Awe. I need a legit reason to stop thinking and start focusing.
Awe. If I do get in PDP, I might be going away for a couple month. Can't you be nice to me till then?
Even my own brother can't stand my immaturity. I really got to pull my act together.
HELP! SOS!

Got hit on by a GRANDPA

Just got hit on by a 60-some years-OLD man.

Usually when I see a grandpa, my beware-of-creepy-guy radar doesn't immediately set off.
I enjoy talking to grandpa, because they remind me of my own. Because it was embedded in my childhood memory, I have always imagined my grandpa as the most loving. That memory was blurred and intermixed with a picture of me on my grandpa's lap. It was a picture/memory submerged in a warm tone color.

Anyways, this old man is no grandpa.
He is single, and looking for fresh meat.
At first he asked if I got school.
I laughed and said, "I am far past school.  I am a graduate."
He said I look young.
That does not sound foreign to me at all.
What surprised me and made me cringe is the fact that he intended on preying on an underage female.
So I might have exaggerated for a bit, because there is no way for me to prove his intention. Regardless, he has somewhat shattered my all grandpa are safe kind of imagination.

The conversation ended when I refused to give him my phone number.
Judging from a few years ago, I can indefinitely say I am no men-magnet, but I am definitely attractive to a 40-60-some-OLD men.

Somewhat of a Haiku "Reciprocate Love"

The concept of reciprocate love.
His grace has brought me thus far.
I can only imagined.

Diary 9314

Dear Diary

So I guess honesty and vulnerability comes at its price. It isn't always the right option. I thought by being open, you gained more understanding and tolerance. But instead you just feel more vulnerable, because it's as if someone can see right through you. Bare and naked.

You know I've always have a soft spot for people being nice to me. I get overly attached. I am too welcoming. No defense mechanism. Now I am developing one in defense of myself and my fragility.

I have a tingly feeling at the beginning of 2014 that I will be learning about love this year. Now before you get the wrong idea. Love comes in different forms and sizes. It does not imply romantic.

Last year someone broke my heart. I asked for it though. The conversation stopped all of a sudden and I am left alone again. In reply, that person simply said, "I don't know what to say to her anymore." Ouch! All of a sudden, I realized I imagined it all up. I made up the scenario in my mind that we are good friends, when really we have no commonality. That was last year around August.

This year, I realized I am somewhat of a "perv." because I became overly attached to someone significantly younger than me. Yes, I know I am scary. I think so too. To prevent further damage, I say onto myself "enough is enough, stop confusing the young soul". This is the end of August and the beginning of September.

Too weird. Too not suitable for this kind of thing. Too inexperience. Too naive. Too silly.
I guess fall is just not my season.