note to self: rule of texting

This is no good. I cant sleep again because I am so excited for tomorrow. Note to self: dont be texting past 11.
Should I read my Bible? It helps sometimes. That may sound horrible but I don't think God will mind me reading His words this late.

The next morning... Couldn't get up because I don't know how to start the day. It is a weird feeling.

future spouse law 1

Hello world
It's random talk time.
What do I look for in my future spouse?
Judging by how I am sitting in bed while my stomach rumble, I am going to say a husband that cook for me in the middle of the night. Or someone who would prepare bento for me. Or someone who is great with cooking. I need food to look good and I need someone who would volunteering clean up the table and do the dishes. I'll help out too. From time to time. Whahahaha

update

When you are all bones and you laid up against a tatami bed, you are bound to be in pain.
With that said, I am happy to report on my status. I am healthy. Yesterday, I have managed to finish everything on my todo list, which is definitely a first. Today is another list of things todo. I hope I make you proud Father. I hope I make you proud.

i like to start afresh thank you

dearly beloved
I'm gonna do it
I am going to give it all up for something brand new.
resettle the scoreboard.
if everyone is trapped by the past memory then lets remake history.
what would I do if you are a stranger to me
I would be nice to you because I'm a super nice person
you might not like me as much because there is no past stories to back me up.
but for the change I've gone through and the change that you have gone through.
lets reestablish whatever relationship we are capable of now
may it be acquaintances or pen pal or hi friends.
lets give it a try.

thoughts tonight

miss singing together
am I being too selfish here

love

Dearest daughter
You took a chance with what you've heard and you have ran with it. You did well. It's difficult isn't it? Love. But let me tell you that it is the simplest and the most natural thing to love. It is who I am. It doesn't matter if I was hurt by your response. I am still love. It is who I am. I am love.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand it's own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and ensures through every circumstance.

Doing well

It was going so well as I raced through the list of things to do today; but then I hit a stumbling block. I began to fear that if A leaves, then B would leave. I don't want to lose connection with B. Although, A is precious too, but B is impulsive. A would come back from time to time, but B probably would not. And why is B flirting with A.

Am I hopeless?

Oh God.

You know how Jacob has an "imprint" on Isabelle in Twlight. Although the funniest comparison, but how else am I suppose to understand this phenomenon.

But you know what? The trick is to sing.
I really like singing. It gives me good vibe.

I used to be really against secular music, but now I do think there are such thing as good music outside of the usual Christian genre. Not all music has to be sappy and emo. Music can be so uplifting. Personally, I'd go for the Disney songs.

Today was okay.
Thank God.

perhaps happiness is an easy choice?

Report on today's progress.
It started from me sitting in Starbucks trying to organize what I can about the worship team. Then I saw a little girl in front of me. I think I recognized her from my volunteering. She was chewing with her mouth opened and so I laughed. It reminded me of how easy it is to be a child. Then I told myself that Id never grow up. I have a legitimate reason for it though. I don't want to let the ugly world break me. I don't to lose my hope in humanity.

Yes, I was extremely hurt by someone I've learnt to rely on. It happened because I believe that this person sincerely wants to get to know me. I never ever dump all my secrets in one pile. It wouldn't be a smart move. But I did. So I have come to me talk rely on this person a lot. It was an extremely risky move. Till this day, I know my secrets and stories are safe with this person.

The hurting came from the many rejections that came afterward. The most serious one being that I was not part of the community. Of course, I was literally not part of the community, but it made me feel really small and unwanted. I never admitted that I felt hurt because I wanted to do more. But today I realized that I have to admit to it. It is only when I recognize it, I can let it go.

I want to let go of the hurting I have been holding onto. I remember making people feel bad in high school. I did so by looking sad and hurt. No one needs to be held responsible for me though. I want to let myself and the other person go.

Do I feel? Of course I do. I admit to that too. Hurt, betrayal, jealousy, regret. But you know what? I played on the piano today. There were good times. I learned important skill from this person. Although they were short lessons but because I love music so much, I completely love the fact that I no longer have an excuse for not playing. I have the foundation. I know how to play. I just need to do it. For that I'll forever be thankful.

Today, I realized that I was sad because I feel like no one would accept me as much as this person once did. But at the end of the day, I do think I am an attractive person. I sang today. And I had a whole lot of fun singing. Someone will definitely love me as wacky and immature ad I am
.
Perhaps, I will have another mood swing tomorrow. But today, I just want to put a smile on others face, including my own and that's all. I need to learn to brush off negative feelings better.

self pep talk

Hello Pangsta

Of course you are fine. I just want you to know that just because one part of your life is messed up, you have many other parts that you are excelling in.

It's great that you are not crying about things. It shows progress. And yes, you wake up early and cannot go back to sleep. That's totally fine. You could use the time to work on yourself.
Okay, this is what I want you to do.

1. Go for a walk. The cool air is good for you.
2. Write in your prayer journal.
3. Get to work on church business. Responsibility is responsibility.
4. Have a full schedule and drop dead at the end of the day.

Sorry man, that's the best I can do.
It's sounds robotic and a little imperfect, but you know...I am getting there.

Gosh. What am I? Going through a break-up or something? I laugh at myself.

honesty--i cant

Honesty--they told you that it is the right virtue, but have they told you that sometimes it could lead to self-inflaming destruction. Okay, so I have exaggerated a little. But my point is that lying may sometimes be necessary for survival in this world.

I can't lie though.

No, I legitimately can't lie without bursting my own bubble afterwards. Have I worked up a life of being honest that I have such trouble pretending now. I want to stay true to myself. I would feel like I owe someone the truth by not saying what I feel.

Although I try hard in the recent days to change how I feel, I feel what I feel. At the moment, I stay true to my feeling and hope that in the next moment, I could save myself from the same feeling.

I am pretty sure that I will survive. Like someone said, I always will.

rambling on

It was easier to talk to you when I am away. Being far gives me the courage to be rejected. Being close by is different. I have to pretend to not care. I think perhaps as time goes, it will be that way. Except guess what, I am stubborn as hell. My mom never taught me to give up. In fact, I practice not giving up all of my life. It's not about giving up though. It's doing what id the best for another. I mean it's unhealthy. The way I am thinking. I will indefinitely end up destroying someone. You know what sucks the most. It is that I have known that if I show too much of myself, it's not going to be attractive. Did you not known that I can be the most attractive person from afar? Wow. I didn't know I am that insecure. All the more reason to work on myself.

trying to sleep

I can't sleep so I'm going to write to myself. It's interesting how your mind works. How can my mind be stuck in a certain era. I miss you a little. Only a little. Can't pinpoint who what where when why though.
Meanwhile, I have came to learn that I am attractive in one way or another. I have little admirers from school. I'm glad I mad a little impact. Such as the earthquake that just happened 5 minutes ago.

"no se" (spanish)

I have an obsession, I swear. I tried not to care but it's not working. The funny thing is I gave someone an advice in regards to situation like this. The advice is to focus on something else. Whereas for her, it is a timing issue. For me, it is a heart issue. Until my head clears, I will remain. I just hope I clear it up be for I get too old. I am beginning to think I am going to the on sale rack. Well, the good news is that I learned that my situation is not unique to myself. Others are just as special as me. Truth be told, I am a little disappointed. Well, I hope either my heart or my brain figue itself out soon. Meanwhile, my passion will keep me busy. Hopefully.

highschool

Sometimes, I just can't sleep. So today, I am thinking about highschool. Which group did I belong to in highschool? Was I the nerds? I don't think so. Was I the the popular kids? Definitely not man. So I guess I was the average-Joe. I was really nice though. I still am. I do think sometimes people take advantage of me. The problem is I wouldn't think so.

So I haven't checked my messages for the longest time, because I am learning to be patient. No. I just don't like the feeling of disappointment when I realized no one replied me or that my message has not been read. I always turned off my device as soon as I pressed send because I don't want to see any response to my msg. Reason is there would be none. Gosh. I act like a highschooler. And that my faithful friends, I am in deep poo.

missing you

I am not quite sure what I miss anymore. I don't even remember. Today, I look through the album and sort of remembered. I think I do miss you. I miss grandma too.

understanding myself is a long process

Sometimes, I think it is necessary to fall in order for you to know that it's important for you to watch your steps. That is the case with life, no? I am sorry. Despite how horrible I felt, I still do as I pleased. I don't know what hope am I holding on to. I don't know why I hold on to the one person who does not want to talk to me. I don't know why I cant see past it. I don't know what I can't see past. I am trying to understand myself from an objective point of view. I don't cringe anymore. I am just amazed at myself. I allow myself to do what I want and then I stand back and shake my head.

Dear Jesus
It's been a while. Will I ever go back?

out

there something wrong with me feeling
its out of order
I should have learned something in high school but I didnt because I didnt think it was necessary for me to learn at the time
now I'm out of order

hope this helps

I should be focusing on my career and I am not. I can't help but think about this and that. It's very annoying actually. I am leaving on Monday and I am totally stressing out. I can't handle this. I can't.

empty

Someone help me!
I am not going to do anything stupid, but I am feeling very desperate now. I feel like there's nobody. Nobody at all.
I am so scared right now. I am so scared of the truth and the lies. I can't even clench my hands together. What's wrong with me?

24/7

Today's main event was the initiation of the 24/7 prayer meeting. I can't begin to fathom what had happened. Let me just say that it was intense. Was it me? Have I became more and more logical? I don't act like them. Everyone was crying. I didn't. I almost felt like I should though. I remember I used to. I was realm confused by the direction of people's prayer. They were crying out for revival; asking the father to come. I don't cry when I think about the father though. I only cry when I think of hurting people. Should I be crying because God is hurting? But God is sovereign. I want love to overtake the Earth. It is possible isn't it?

waiting

Sometimes, theres nothing you can do except waiting. Today, I had to wait 15 min for my MRR vaccination to roll in. Sometimes, I feel sad. But when I asked myself "why". I would not tell myself much.
The space around me feels a little foreign. I supposed I am doing well venturing out. At the same time, I feel a little out of place. I'm sleepy. Should I go home and take a rest? Okay. I should rest. I am a little tired.

sibling jealousy

that's right im jealous. So jealous that I'm not going to be grammatically correct here. She forgot to pack my lunch. Not that I should be expecting my beloved mother to pack lunch for her 27 years old daughter. But she packed my sisters lunch, so why not mine. Just because I'm capable of fending for myself?

she apologized by the way. She asked me why I didn't apologize first. I gave an honest answer, "You might yell at me for simply saying sorry and not changing." So I stayed silent. Kept my voice down until dawn arrive.

it may not be the same ever. Perhaps, her words had some chemical reaction in me. And we all know that chemical reaction is not reversible. I think we forgave each other, but I don't know. Maybe this event is supposed to happen so I would become more independent.

I have one hope for myself. Grow up then and become more independent. I think there is security in being independent.

I will figure this out the best way possible.

tsunami over wave

I used to be terrified of dentist. I'm especially fearful of filling. The sound that it makes when the instrument is drilling into you. That burning smell. Argh. That is scary. And that is why I still have a hole in my mouth. But I remember going to get my teeth pulled. Now the thought of that is even more petrifying. But surprisingly, it wasn't that bad. And guess what? After that day, I was cured of my fear of filling. Going to the dentist isn't that bad anymore.

This is a lot like that situation. I had my whole head occupied with one situation, then something scarier happened and now the previous situation isn't so bad anymore. Family is a bigger deal than friend. So when Mother yelled at me. It sort of happened. I felt disowned. Like things will never get back to the way it was. Suddenly, everything is not that big of a deal. You might think I am sad. I was for three nights. But I don't know. I am not that emotional anymore. I just got to so my thing. Maybe gain the trust back. Maybe not. I feel a little empty. Perhaps, my religion would help me, but I have a little trouble formulating words. I probably don't even deserve to cry. I think this will eventually be over, just like any3 hour exam. I just need to keep going. Hopefully, I don't hurt anyone in the process.

devastated

I have officially become the worst person on Earth. Oh God, I can't even begin to explain it. It was the worst. Never in my life have I been on the worst list on my parent's side. Now, I have been blacklisted. The confusing thing is I though I was doing the right thing. I was being myself. I was being logical. I was weighing out the pros and cons. I was being mature. As it turns out, being myself is the worst. It is a horrible thing for me to choose to talk about my feeling with someone and prioritize it over going to grandma's. What was I to do? I was crying for nights. I need to be fixed and I need to talk to someone. It was the wrong timing. I went the next day. Then I took someone home today and I have became inconsiderate of family members. "We didn't even ask you to pay us!" What exactly are you saying to me? For so long, I have finally build up an image that I am a daughter and not a slave. I deserve to be treated well. I was given privileges because my daddy loves me. Now I guess it was otherwise. I need to read signs. I can't take things for granted. But I didn't. I really didn't. Don't say I don't care when I really do. It was the worst. My mom was disappointed, sad, and angry. I am broken. The most broken I have ever been...

prayer to Jesus

Dear Jesus
I feel hurt and am ashamed of my pain.
I have not learn the lesson to love.
Do I still love when people hate me?
How you love.
How you choose to love us when we are still sinners?
Thank you.
I follow.

dont lie

dont lie to me
please dont ever lie to me
if you have an excuse, say it once
if I ask again, and what you said isn't the truth
stop
dont repeat your lie
that would be a dagger in my heart

I want to spend time with you
but its not a big deal if you dont
but if you lie
...
I will be extremely
...
sad


give it to Jesus

the list goes on

I am not in the best mood.
Today PDP starts, but I am more nervous than excited. Lots of things on my mind.
First of all, I got to wake up at 6 for my 8:30 class.
I have not prepared for the readings.
There is a serious hole in my bank account.
Student loan has not gone through.
Tuition is due this Friday.
I made Mommy sad.
Lots of schedules to follow up on.
If I don't get better, I can't get my live virus shot. The time frame for leaving is getting tight.
Most of what I am feeling now is unprepared and worried.
God.

ukulele

So far, I still can't sing and play ukulele at the same time. I'm sad, mainly because so far I have yet to complete the challenge I have set for myself. There is a senior event tomorrow. We are going to perform in front of grandmas and grandpas. Yes, they may not have the best ears, but I do not want to suck!
Have yet to master. Lord, a little help please.

to be continue

Yesterday night, I was greatly disturbed. I woke up to a dream. (It was 3 AM actually.) It was a memory from the past. It was a time when everything seems to be "happy". A time when Lily and David was excited about new things at church. It was a time when I was not trying, I was just simply being a part of a community. We put on a play for Aubrey's sermon.

Just what is it could God do and alternate the reality. I am puzzled and yet anticipating the impact. It is the end time, there's no doubt about that. There are fear in people's eyes. They hold on to a reality that they prefer. But I had this shiver that it is not that simple. In the dark, something is brewing, and the people of God needs to be alert. I was not alert. I was hiding. There are secrets I hold on to. Now I am going to let it go.

a pray a day

Dear Jesus
Today I am very thankful because I have finished a project. A minor one, but a project indeed. I have upholstered a sofa. Now there are several things that I could have done better, but for now I am just glad that I have finished it and have not quit.
I am so happy that I have decided to sleep early and wake up early to play my ukulele. Now I have left it out in the open. Hopefully Mother won't go crazy when she finds that zi have misplace my thing again.

I am also very happy that I have talked to Paris today. She is such a delight to be with. Very cheerful and genuine and sometimes a little awkward, but that's Paris!
I pray for Cavicho. As much as I like to stick on like a scotch tape, I think he needs a breather from my harassment. Although God to be honest, I only say that to make myself feel better. I don't harass. I just do things because they are on my mind. Anyways, I am also thankful for him. Just because no matter how I see it, he is still nice. So happiness and joy to him.
Lord, I never want to be bitter in my life. Help me be genuine always.
In Jesus' name,
Amen

sick day

Today, I have big sausage lips just like years ago when I ate a poisoned plum. Except this year , I have no idea what I ate. Throughput the years, my body is becoming more and more sensitive. My allergen list seemed to be increasing. From peach to plum to apple, what is it going to be next. I value my health more though. If anything happened to me, the people beside me are going to worry and be sad. So now I value healthy eating. With that being sad. No more coke for you, Penner. C'est tres gross.
In addition to my allergic reaction, my nose has been giving me heck as well. My throat seem somewhat invaded by globe of mucus as well. Don't know if I'd be okay to sing on Saturday. Still got to practice singing while playing.
*cough cough
**awe~~~

the Me I want to be

I have gathered all my energy towards doing one thing.
As long as I put in 100% of my concentration, I will get things down.
I will gather all my confusion, my sadness, and my "misses" into something productive.
Then everything negative will turns to positive.
Then everything sad will have something happy to contribute.
Then I will smile to people walking down the street.
Then I will sing to the random chippies down the road.
I will be me.

post birthday memory

I was really disappointed when I didn't get my pink guitar pick for my birthday.
It all started when I lost my gift to myself-my pink guitar pick.
Out of great excitement, I thought of the perfect gift for someone to give to me. It would mean the WORLD to me if I was to receive it from him.
But the day of my birthday come and there was nothing. It wasn't a big deal because I don't expect people to come all the way out here for me. So the convenient thing to do is to wait till Wednesday, since we would conveniently meet up on Wednesday.
Um... he forgot.
I like to say it wasn't a big deal, but I think it was. I haven't pick up my guitar for a pretty long time. I am a stubborn child. I am still waiting for a pink guitar pick. I just didn't realized how big I made myself in someone else's life. I was scared of myself and my imagination.
forevermore.

thoughts on marriage from the prospective of a girl from neverland

marry?
sure, ill get married.
why do I have to marry someone I love?
dont worry with my personality, I could probably mash with anyone semi-decent
I dont have to go for the best on my chart right
is there actually such one as the best
wait what's the purpose of marriage?
to live together forever?
I think I could do that.
to keep each other company?
think id hate that
to have a family?
eh...

that's it I think ill just be business oriented.
imagine the things I could do
I know I have an issue about this
but its sort of unsolvable
I dont want to solve it
too complicated

miracle and favor

Dear Jesus
I wish that he would come camping with us. Though I have no plan nor strategy.

Dear Jesus
I dont understand why you would miss someone more when they are closer than further away.

Dear Jesus
Sustain my memory and heal my brokenness.

thank you!

I went to the chief.
I really like today. Like a lot a lot.
I cant say too much but there are so many moments that I want to cherish forever.
I am very thankful for this memory.
I hope I can frame it forever and ever.

Caleb and his 45 years of waiting

I was listening and listening and listening until finally I heard something that caught my ears.

Caleb waited 45 years for a promise to be fulfilled.
He was sent out among the 12 Israelite to search out the land of Canaan.
He came back reciting the glorious inheritance of the land as the Lord promised, whereas his fellow Israelite struck fear among the people. Moses promised the land Caleb was standing on to him.
He waited for 45 years and yet he still said he was just as before--strong and vigorous.
He followed the Lord wholeheartedly, believing. That's impressive!

Joshua 14

grandma's memory

Yesterday, I went to grandma's place. Mom told me to stop talking because whenever I talk, grandma starts crying. I was puzzled. Really puzzled. Apparently, my voice triggers her memory of home, so she started to cry. That was a little heart-wrenching.

I feel for grandma. I tried to think of how memory work. It's so blurred, yet it is still there. I miss the things that happened in my memory a lot. Sometimes, I wondered if it all actually happened. Maybe I imagined it all. Or maybe I mistaken it for a dream.

Then, I tried to be grateful. Rather than feeling lost for not being able to relive my memory, I enjoy and treasure every new memory, no matter how short-living it is. Yes, I still have those impulsive thoughts to want to do more, but I am able to control them a little better.

wholeheartedly

13
33 But to the tribe of Levi, Moses had given no inheritance; the Lord, the God of Israel, is their inheritance, as he promised them.

What does it look like if God is our only inheritance. The Levites are worshipers; they serve God. However, unlike their sibling tribes, they receive no material inheritance. What does that look like nowadays if I choose to abandon all else and follow God? Would that make me a lunatic? I personally think God wants to chase after my passion, because it is He who puts it in me in the first place. I think God loves it when I think about Him and his people when I am in the midst of a project. As I grow, my capability and influence also grows. Thus, if God is my immediate background, everything will see "Surely, that is the essence of God in her."

14
8 but my fellow Israelites who went up with me made the hearts of the people melt in fear. I, however, followed the Lord my God wholeheartedly. 

I remembered one thing and one thing only when I attended service in Kauai. A grateful heart is a peaceful heart. One who follow God wholeheartedly should know that God has it altogether. So Caleb is not afraid, the God inside of him is greater than what he sees on the outside.

temptation

Joshua 8:1
 7 you are to rise up from ambush and take the city. The Lord your God will give it into your hand. 8 When you have taken the city, set it on fire. Do what the Lord has commanded. See to it; you have my orders.

What are the chances of God giving you something and then asking you to destroy it? And if the rewards is great and the temptation is huge then what happens?

God is cruel

Why did God allow war in the old testament?

Joshua 8
18 Hold out toward Ai the javelin that is in you hand, for into your hand I will deliver the city.
25 twelve thousand men and women fell that day--all the people of Ai
28-34 He left no survivors.

From out twenty-first century prospective, God is cruel when instructions were given to Joshua to leave no survivor in the city of Jericho, of Makkedah, of Libnah, of Lachish, of Eglon, and of Hebron. (Joshua 8) God is cruel when He hardened the people's hearts against Israel, so that he might destroy them them totally. (Joshua 11:20) Why is God so cruel?

As much as we like to think God is all love, He is also the God of justice and righteousness.
The principle of God--it's black and white, but people like to emphasize human rights nowadays and in turns tolerate sins in the grey zone.

I believe God has a standard. In fact, if He doesn't, He is probably not fit to be my God.
But He does.

That is not to say God loves war over people.

"Do I take any pleasure in the death of the wicked? declares the Sovereign Lord. Rather, am I not pleased when they turn from their ways and lives?" (Ezekiel 18:23)
"If a wicked man turns away from all the sins he has committed and keeps all my decrees and does what is just and right, he will surely live; he will not die." (Ezekiel 18:21)
"I take no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Sovereign Lord. Repent and live!" (Ezekiel 18:32)

Know this!
God loves life,  not death!
He takes no pleasant in the act that must be done to keep morality sane.

Tolerance is an overly-used word in the twenty-first century.
He loves, but He cannot tolerate evil.
It is contradicting to His nature.

"We often forgot that when evil spreads, the innocent as well as the guilty are hurt." (Biblica)
War is necessary for peace.
What a paradox? Yet, it is understood that when the nuclear bomb hit the city of Hiroshima, WWII was over.

reference: www.biblica.com


To be continue:
14 The Israelites sampled their provisions but did not inquire of the Lord.
18 "We have given them out oath by the Lord, the God of Israel, and we cannot touch them now."

6 Do not abandon your servants. Come up to us quickly and save us! Help us, because all the Amorite kings from the hill country have joined forces against us.
11 ...more of them died from the hail than were killed by the swords of the Israelites

will be okay

Miss










































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































you

the Sovereign One

I can't accept this.
God can forgive. Can't he?
Why did the Israelite stone Achan?
Why did men kill men?

Yes, God has His standard.

Light and dark cannot coexist. Neither can black and white. Grey is not a darker version of white. It is simply not white.
When God said to Joshua, "Stand up! What are you doing down on your face? Israel has sinned; they have violated my covenant, which I commanded them to keep. They have taken some of the devoted things; they have stolen, they have lied, they have put them with their own possessions. That is why the Israelites cannot stand against their enemies; they turn their backs and run because they have been made liable to destruction. I will not be with you anymore unless you destroy whatever among you is devoted to destruction."

That is God's standard.

Men are in fear of the Lord back then. The relationship between men and God are rigid and fearsome. 
Do you think that it is possible that men made the decision to kill Achan? Although God allowed it, but it was not God's intention.
Look at Moses, he pleaded for the Israelite several times and God listened to him. I think God would have listened to anyone if they has pleaded on behalf of Achan. But the thing is no one did.
Men held many assumptions of God. God allowed them because it is within the boundary of His allowance for free will. Overall, we need to know that God is in control even when life seems out of control.

Ohana

Ohana

"Ohana means family.

Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten.

But if you want to leave, you can.

I'll remember you though.

I remember everyone who leaves."

I am ready to fly

Here I am in the Botanical Research Center.
I am all ready to go home.
Let's go.
Before we go, let's take care of the financial bits.
Say what's all this extra expenses?
Head bow.
And I still have Mexico.

Paper,reading and more reading.
I am ready to fly
Let's go.
Before we go, let's take care of culture shock.
What will be expected of me when I return?
And soon I'll fly again.
Need to get my booster shot.

God, whom is with you

Joshua 

"All the people are melting in fear because of us."
2:24

Why are you so afraid of the world when people should tremble in the midst of God, whom is with you?

"Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you."
3:6

Which comes first: a step of faith or seeing before believing?

"I am with you as I was with Moses."
3:7

Did God not speak to Joshua just as He has with Moses?

"Go and stand in the river."
3:8
Great leaders take the first step and lead the people fearlessly.

"The hand of the Lord is powerful and so that you might always fear the Lord your God."
3:24

Should we not fear the Lord, we would be in control of our lives, and God knows what could come of that.

FEAR

Joshua 2:1 - 4:24

Joshua took over the leadership position of the Israelite.
Imagine the emotional turmoil Joshua had to take up.
It must be daunting knowing that young and old all look upon you for the promise of the nation.

FEAR

The people of Jericho fear the Israelite.
God has spread fear among the people.
God's people is coming and they carry with them the promise of the living God.

The fear of the Lord rest upon the Israelite.
As they walk behind the ark of the Lord, they keep their distance.

You think when the power of the Lord rest upon you.
When God is with you.
It is apparent.
It caused other to tremble in fear.
It set the stage for the environment.

It's as natural as the clothes you put on today.
You don't need to put in more effort than simply putting on God.

Freedom should not be taken lightly.
People mistaken the word freedom as chaos.
It is not.
It is like God has put "freedom" on one end of the teeter-tatter,and "structure and order" on the other.
You'd realize the importance of order and structure of the young and old when you immerse yourself in a culture that value this order.
This is one of these places- Kauai, Hawaii.

stories and connections

I know I can count on you.
You and I, we work well together.
There is no one I rather go to for help.
See here, you have given me an idea.
Hey, I came up with the idea!
Haha.
Alright, it was simultaneous.

We form connections through stories.
Remember you can't receive without giving first.
We form connections by giving a piece of ourselves away.
Some of our connections will be brittle. It will be temporary, but some will last. If not by our intentional meet-ups, then by the value we now share.

Everything takes time,
Falling in love takes time.
That's exactly why place-based education is of the essential.
You can't except everyone to fall instantaneously in love with nature
especially when they have been sheltered for so long.
I know I didn't.

Expecting children to form a connection with their environment takes time.
It takes time.
It takes time to form stories.
It takes time to sniff, to touch, and to simply be.
To be among them but not above them.
It takes time to CARE.
So spare a little time.

What's the point?

"What's the point?" you asked.
"When men are simply created beings, made to follow a defined and designated road. The choices we possess are not choices, but fate to unravel."
"What's the point?" you asked.
"About life and destiny. The destination is predetermined, no?"

"What's the point?" I asked.
"When God so know that His people will turn from Him to pursue idols."
"Yet, He still brought them to the land of milk and honey."
"They ate their fill and thrive. Then they turn to other gods and worship them, rejecting The Rock and breaking His covenant."
"What's the point of loving the ones who would betray you and turn on you; forget about you and then break the most divine covenant between men and God?"
"What's the point of following through with a plan, knowing that the plan would certainly bring grief to oneself?"
"Is He stupid or is He so full of LOVE?"

I doubt I'll ever understand the vastness of His love for me, for His people, and  His plan to care, to love, to suffer, to hide, to discipline, to let known that He is the One and the ultimate being.
What love is that?

God is love?

Deuteronomy 31-34
 6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

13 Their children, who do not know this law, must hear it and learn to fear the Lord your God as long as you live in the land you are crossing the Jordan to possess.”


20 When I have brought them into the land flowing with milk and honey, the land I promised on oath to their ancestors, and when they eat their fill and thrive, they will turn to other gods and worship them, rejecting me and breaking my covenant.

26 “Take this Book of the Law and place it beside the ark of the covenant of the Lord your God. There it will remain as a witness against you.

32
Listen, you heavens, and I will speak;hear, you earth, the words of my mouth.
and all his ways are just.
    


He is the Rock, his works are perfect,
A faithful God who does no wrong,
upright and just is he.

For the Lord’s portion is his people,
Jacob his allotted inheritance.

Jeshurun[c] grew fat and kicked;
filled with food, they became heavy and sleek.

They sacrificed to false gods, which are not God—
They abandoned the God who made them
and rejected the Rock their Savior.
gods they had not known,
gods that recently appeared,
gods your ancestors did not fear.
and angered me with their worthless idols.

They made me jealous by what is no god
I will make them envious by those who are not a people;
I will make them angry by a nation that has no understanding.
and discern what their end will be!


If only they were wise and would understand thisHow could one man chase a thousand,or two put ten thousand to flight,
unless their Rock had sold them,
unless the Lord had given them up?

“See now that I myself am he!
There is no god besides me.

I put to death and I bring to life,
I have wounded and I will heal,
and no one can deliver out of my hand.

4 Then the Lord said to him, “This is the land I promised on oath to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob when I said, ‘I will give it to your descendants.’ I have let you see it with your eyes, but you will not cross over into it.”


People ask the question of "why" a lot. Why does God hate? Why is this happening if "God is love". Why is God "jealous"?

If we think of our relationship with God as an intimate relationship between a man and a woman, God has all right to be "angered" by the infidelity of his people. How vast can this love be if God is "jealous" of his people turning their back on Him and forgetting about Him.

God knows. We live as individual living day to day by the choice that we made. Are these the choices that we made or the decisions that were placed or manufactured into our head? I believe those are our choices and our decisions.

God knows collectively what the Israelite has done and will do. I believe God has a master plan. Within the plan, there are sub-choices that we have a say in. We can choose to participate or not.

What God wants us to know is that He is THE ONE. There is no one else. Who else can set the world in chaos unless He gave permission. He gave permission for things to happen--"bad" things--because as the CEO, He has to make critical decision. Individually, they may not seem like the wisest choices; they may even "cruel". But ultimately, He loves us enough to let the END to not come to us.

A different perspective. A different definition of LOVE.