perhaps happiness is an easy choice?

Report on today's progress.
It started from me sitting in Starbucks trying to organize what I can about the worship team. Then I saw a little girl in front of me. I think I recognized her from my volunteering. She was chewing with her mouth opened and so I laughed. It reminded me of how easy it is to be a child. Then I told myself that Id never grow up. I have a legitimate reason for it though. I don't want to let the ugly world break me. I don't to lose my hope in humanity.

Yes, I was extremely hurt by someone I've learnt to rely on. It happened because I believe that this person sincerely wants to get to know me. I never ever dump all my secrets in one pile. It wouldn't be a smart move. But I did. So I have come to me talk rely on this person a lot. It was an extremely risky move. Till this day, I know my secrets and stories are safe with this person.

The hurting came from the many rejections that came afterward. The most serious one being that I was not part of the community. Of course, I was literally not part of the community, but it made me feel really small and unwanted. I never admitted that I felt hurt because I wanted to do more. But today I realized that I have to admit to it. It is only when I recognize it, I can let it go.

I want to let go of the hurting I have been holding onto. I remember making people feel bad in high school. I did so by looking sad and hurt. No one needs to be held responsible for me though. I want to let myself and the other person go.

Do I feel? Of course I do. I admit to that too. Hurt, betrayal, jealousy, regret. But you know what? I played on the piano today. There were good times. I learned important skill from this person. Although they were short lessons but because I love music so much, I completely love the fact that I no longer have an excuse for not playing. I have the foundation. I know how to play. I just need to do it. For that I'll forever be thankful.

Today, I realized that I was sad because I feel like no one would accept me as much as this person once did. But at the end of the day, I do think I am an attractive person. I sang today. And I had a whole lot of fun singing. Someone will definitely love me as wacky and immature ad I am
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Perhaps, I will have another mood swing tomorrow. But today, I just want to put a smile on others face, including my own and that's all. I need to learn to brush off negative feelings better.