no one knows the reason

No one wants to be rejected over and over again. But there is this one person who despite being rejected 1000 times, wants to try again. As much as I like to call this person "stupid", I can't. I don't understand this person. Perhaps, this person did not get rejected, but was constantly put on the sideline. Why on earth?

martian and earthling

It is 1 AM right now and I just finished watching "The Martian". It was a delightful movie to watch. The main character was a problem solver. In impossible situations, he survived. He held no grudge against the friends who left him behind. He took risk to become the first in everything he did. And he was overwhelming intelligent.

I think I am able to problem solve my way around life. There are times when I feel like crap. There are times when I am pretty sure I am dead and I am. But the moral of the story is to just keep going. My philosophy changed though. It was no longer to hold on to things that are dear to you, because whilst you are doing that life is slipping away from you. I am finally letting go. Took years to develop that realization. The scariest thing about letting go is having nothing to hold onto.

God is not a foreign concept to me. That is one thing I'll hold on to. I simply wish that I have more of a grip to hold onto more. Perhaps the memories that I so treasured that I have since tucked away to somewhere safe. In fear of people who would come and take it away, I've scarcely taken it out to admire it and enjoy it. I really don't want to lose those years. At the same time, I feel that I am not doing myself any favor.

Dear God. Please let me keep it.

body shuts down cant type

Didn't realized that I am so tired, but I am. My mind is still on go-go-go, while my body stopped. I was moving my eyes around but my head wasn't following. Good night

my happy list

hello
I did several things that made me happy today. I shall list them all.

I was sad yesterday and happy today. Maybe I really do have an issue and I do not have the solution for it. I am trying to take a step at a time to fix myself. Not that I need any fixing. I dont, but I do. Because carrying on this obsession is not normal. But I am stupidly stubborn to the core. Even if I lock myself up, I would still be like that. So what am I going to do with myself. I shall list out my happy list today.

1. I fed my mom and dad
2. I served my mom and dad by pumping up the gas while they wait in the car (yes, so luxurious)
3. I don't have to refine my resume yet
4. I was with my module
5. I did laundry
6. I found my final report
7. I realize my SA actually wrote me a good report
8. My friend won an ipad

bargaining with God

I always feel like I had to bargain with God. I'll give you this and you give me this. So this time, I asked for a constant friendship, in return I'll do all the right things. (As vague as that sounds.)

But God, I am going to find proof that God freely gives.

my thankful list

1. I am thankful for caramelized honey latte
2. I am thankful for the fun I had in the beginning of the service
3. I am thankful for the mentioned of my name during sharing
4. I am thankful for the student's card and gift
5. I am thankful for the students who walked me to my car
6. I am thankful for the completion of my practicum
7. I am thankful for not being block on instagram
8. I am thankful for the girls who wanted to eat dinner with me
9. I am thankful for being able to get my reference letter in less than a week
10. I am thankful for having the hope of keeping pen pal

sorry

I miss the good memories
I cant think backward and I can't think forward
not yet

well, I'm missing things
and I am just trying to stop myself from being like so
but I guess a part of me want to hold on
because its the only thing I have left
the remains of it

I am scared that ill never talk again
I am scared to try because it will never work again
I am scared that it will be gone forever
so I dont ask for much
I just stop talking
too much risk in losing when I talk

perhaps in a while

I have trouble leading worship, and that's that. There is no what,if, or but to it. I am simply gone.

simple day simple joy

today I was really happy
and I thought you should know
I hope you are too