At this moment

Why am I invisible
Why is time ticking away
Why am I feverish
Why do I feel like I am about to die

I feel so bad, but I can't do nothing about it
Nothing

loneliness

The recent event of Amanda Todd is like a mirror held up against the society, demanding the people to look at its reflection. What is going on in the world? ..........Loneliness..........
Within her video, she wrote, "everyone need someone... I need someone." Indeed everyone needs someone, that's why everyone is going around picking without much of a hesitation. But life is gaining on you, pushing you around, it is even more important to choose wisely.

"God places the lonely in families; he set the prisoners free and gives them joy."

to be continue.

Remind me of the time

Remind me of the time when you first rescued me,

When I first recognized your holiness,

And I first realized my insignificance.

On this land I choose to stand,

For your glory, for your name.

Somewhere along the way, I lost the joy.

The reason behind my fight to stand.

Restore in me the joy of your salvation;

Remind me of the time when you first rescue me.

”Restore in me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you”

”Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you.”

(Psalm 51: 12-13)

Smile

I don't care what you say or what you think. I know I definitely shine. 

I was in such a cheerful mood when I jumped onto the bus. Almost instantly, I felt a glance from the corner of my eyes. I turned to my right and I saw this girl with the brightest smile glancing at me. I politely smiled back and sit down. I do not know this girl, so why did she smile at me with such intensity. When the bus finally arrived at Lougheed station, the girl hopped off, smiled at the bus driver and said " God bless you". Then, I realized, " Oh, she's a Christian." 

That reminds me of another time.
This classmate of mine told me I give off a special vibe of cheerfulness. When we were randomly chatting, I told her I goes to church on the weekend. "No wonder," she exclaimed.

I don't think I have a shiny appearance or a shiny personality. I think I am normal sometimes, but most of the times, I think I am "glowing". I mean there are times when I felt like I am covered in coal dust. But the next day, when the sun's shining and the music's playing, I just felt like there is so much hope.

I woke up today telling myself. I have no control over anyone's life other than my own. Or not even my own.  

He does though. I know so.^^

Not guilty

Just when you think you are all good and righteous. It hits you that you are not. As I am fighting for my life, I can't but hurt a few others. Is that right though? When do I know that it's too much. Standing up for yourself and saying that's not what I want to do for the rest of my life. The problem is I haven't find what I want to do. But I am looking. I thought I am getting closer to my destination, but when I looked back, I realized there is no one beside me. I am in the middle of nowhere.

My mom wanted to expand the daycare that we have. I wanted to become a teacher, but I have been sticking around school for way too long. She wanted me to help her out. I can see where this is going. I feel like I am eventually going to be stuck in somewhere I don't want to be. So I said no. Am I too defensive? What is my problem? She needed help. But I kept wanting to go my own way.

I have been a good girl all my life. For a big part of it, I wanted to be bad. No, I don't mean drug and alcohol. I meant doing what I want and not what I am expected. Looking back, I have always been rebelling, not in the most violent way, but inside my mind. I convince myself that this is not the place I want to be. I told myself to rely on no-one but myself. Now, I am afraid there is no going back. I don't know how to accept other or their hands. I feel so lost yet still determined to find my way out. Help me God.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2X2Kh4Sn0Y&feature=related

like a dandelion

To resist change is to resist growth.By embracing every chance at life is to love life and everything that comes with itI don't expect it to give me everything I want.But I want everything to be my opportunity to be higher and stronger.

Time to get out there

I have a list of things I like to do before I die--my bucket list as the movie put it. But before all that, what I really wanted to do is to push myself over the limit. I have many fears in life, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. So I wanted to challenge myself. I am already on my way, as I chose not to flow with the crowd. Why? Because I am a rebel. (Or just a person that wants to get to the end of it.) What is out there than what I've known of already? Is this it? What else is out there? What's the meaning behind it all? Surely there is something I am destined for?

I aimed not to follow the general desire of a typical person, such as relationship and money. Because I know deep down, that's not really what we want. Perhaps passion and love is the motivation behind it all. But I've seen so many people get lost along the way. They lost sight of what they are after and they just end up moving in the mist of all the rushing people trying to get somewhere with nowhere in sight.

The following posts will be all about what I see, what I learn when I get out here--my comfort zone, and my common understanding. 
Pushing myself over the fence to see more than the garden I grew up in. Time to get out there

給我媽媽的話

給我媽媽的話:

我知道你不希望我經歷挫折, 但我卻覺得挫折是人生必經的道路,也是成長的因素.
雖然不是我所選擇的, 但是事情必竟發生了, 我想要選擇去擁抱他. 
讓絆腳石成為我走像成功的踏腳石.
請你給我勇氣 讓我擁抱失敗 使我可以走向成功.

永遠愛你愛這個家的Penny

When you are drunk

So I am a little drunk. And I really want to know what I am like when I am drunk.
So I am going to write this blog...
You know how everyone's favorite saying is what's your plan.
Well, I like to tell all of them, I don;t have a solid plan.
Life is too unpredictable to have a solid plan.
The next thing you know is that everything is changed and nothing is going as you have planned.
Still you hang in there like some hot glue and hope everything goes right.

Born a Fighter

I would never go down without a fight. I may be struck down, but I won't be there for long.

This week, I struggle to believe that faith will carry me far; that miracle will come my way. I was so determined that everything will unravel itself. I'll be okay. But a letter of rejection arrive, and I am back to square one. Surprisingly, I am not as heart-broken as I thought I would be. This is somewhat of an expected result. Just when I thought I could hold myself together, the weight of the family fell on me. Time. I need more time. Everyone is waiting for me--it seemed. I don't have the luxurious time to figure it out. I am mad--seriously mad. "It time can fix everything, then why do I need You!"


If I am on my own, I wouldn't be as afraid. But because I am not, I felt like all eye gaze on me. I need to do something to balance the unbalance. "That's not my problem though!" I shouldn't have to report to anyone by myself and what's inside of me.


I believe in Him for too long to give up now. I will not. I shall see the end of this. See His explanation. I am willing to bet the rest of my life in something Good. For He is Sovereign. I will run the race and fight the battle ahead.


God help me.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZvZWUZFevI&feature=related

What a Family

Family, a bitter and sweet combination of support network.
It's the one thing that everyone hope to acquire, but at the same time may be afraid of.
Coming from a Christian family, I'd say I am very lucky to have my parents and my siblings.
They made me who I am today.
But sometimes, you can't help but think that is exactly the problem.
They made me who I am today.
My imperfection.
But despite it all. Our flaws compensate one another.
Like puzzles; meant to be broken and put together for the whole picture to come alive.

So simple, yet so complicated

How can something so simple and innocent unravel into something so ugly and complicated.
It wasn't meant to be like this. Really, the root of the story is just my desire to sleep.

So, we have relatives over for a sleep over. There had been issue regarding sleeping arrangement. Personally, I think it's no big deal. As long as there is a pillow and a blanket, I am good to go. So, when my sister suggested  for everyone to sleep in the living room. I agreed. Frankly, I don't give a damn where I sleep and I want everyone to know that including my brother, who is usually the whiniest of all.
At around 10, I felt really beat up. Full of exhaustion, I confirm the deal with my absent-minded sister. I carried my sleeping tool to the living room and went straight to bed. My brother who has no idea about the deal wonder what this is all about. I was too tired and out of it to talk to him. In the end he couldn't beat his curiosity and anxiety over the issue. He just couldn't get over himself and so he dragged me out of my sleep and start questioning my unconscious self.

Fuck. I just want to sleep okay.

And now, I lay awake in the middle of the night in my bed, unable to shut off my brain.
Another restless night.