hope this helps

I should be focusing on my career and I am not. I can't help but think about this and that. It's very annoying actually. I am leaving on Monday and I am totally stressing out. I can't handle this. I can't.

empty

Someone help me!
I am not going to do anything stupid, but I am feeling very desperate now. I feel like there's nobody. Nobody at all.
I am so scared right now. I am so scared of the truth and the lies. I can't even clench my hands together. What's wrong with me?

24/7

Today's main event was the initiation of the 24/7 prayer meeting. I can't begin to fathom what had happened. Let me just say that it was intense. Was it me? Have I became more and more logical? I don't act like them. Everyone was crying. I didn't. I almost felt like I should though. I remember I used to. I was realm confused by the direction of people's prayer. They were crying out for revival; asking the father to come. I don't cry when I think about the father though. I only cry when I think of hurting people. Should I be crying because God is hurting? But God is sovereign. I want love to overtake the Earth. It is possible isn't it?

waiting

Sometimes, theres nothing you can do except waiting. Today, I had to wait 15 min for my MRR vaccination to roll in. Sometimes, I feel sad. But when I asked myself "why". I would not tell myself much.
The space around me feels a little foreign. I supposed I am doing well venturing out. At the same time, I feel a little out of place. I'm sleepy. Should I go home and take a rest? Okay. I should rest. I am a little tired.

sibling jealousy

that's right im jealous. So jealous that I'm not going to be grammatically correct here. She forgot to pack my lunch. Not that I should be expecting my beloved mother to pack lunch for her 27 years old daughter. But she packed my sisters lunch, so why not mine. Just because I'm capable of fending for myself?

she apologized by the way. She asked me why I didn't apologize first. I gave an honest answer, "You might yell at me for simply saying sorry and not changing." So I stayed silent. Kept my voice down until dawn arrive.

it may not be the same ever. Perhaps, her words had some chemical reaction in me. And we all know that chemical reaction is not reversible. I think we forgave each other, but I don't know. Maybe this event is supposed to happen so I would become more independent.

I have one hope for myself. Grow up then and become more independent. I think there is security in being independent.

I will figure this out the best way possible.

tsunami over wave

I used to be terrified of dentist. I'm especially fearful of filling. The sound that it makes when the instrument is drilling into you. That burning smell. Argh. That is scary. And that is why I still have a hole in my mouth. But I remember going to get my teeth pulled. Now the thought of that is even more petrifying. But surprisingly, it wasn't that bad. And guess what? After that day, I was cured of my fear of filling. Going to the dentist isn't that bad anymore.

This is a lot like that situation. I had my whole head occupied with one situation, then something scarier happened and now the previous situation isn't so bad anymore. Family is a bigger deal than friend. So when Mother yelled at me. It sort of happened. I felt disowned. Like things will never get back to the way it was. Suddenly, everything is not that big of a deal. You might think I am sad. I was for three nights. But I don't know. I am not that emotional anymore. I just got to so my thing. Maybe gain the trust back. Maybe not. I feel a little empty. Perhaps, my religion would help me, but I have a little trouble formulating words. I probably don't even deserve to cry. I think this will eventually be over, just like any3 hour exam. I just need to keep going. Hopefully, I don't hurt anyone in the process.

devastated

I have officially become the worst person on Earth. Oh God, I can't even begin to explain it. It was the worst. Never in my life have I been on the worst list on my parent's side. Now, I have been blacklisted. The confusing thing is I though I was doing the right thing. I was being myself. I was being logical. I was weighing out the pros and cons. I was being mature. As it turns out, being myself is the worst. It is a horrible thing for me to choose to talk about my feeling with someone and prioritize it over going to grandma's. What was I to do? I was crying for nights. I need to be fixed and I need to talk to someone. It was the wrong timing. I went the next day. Then I took someone home today and I have became inconsiderate of family members. "We didn't even ask you to pay us!" What exactly are you saying to me? For so long, I have finally build up an image that I am a daughter and not a slave. I deserve to be treated well. I was given privileges because my daddy loves me. Now I guess it was otherwise. I need to read signs. I can't take things for granted. But I didn't. I really didn't. Don't say I don't care when I really do. It was the worst. My mom was disappointed, sad, and angry. I am broken. The most broken I have ever been...

prayer to Jesus

Dear Jesus
I feel hurt and am ashamed of my pain.
I have not learn the lesson to love.
Do I still love when people hate me?
How you love.
How you choose to love us when we are still sinners?
Thank you.
I follow.

dont lie

dont lie to me
please dont ever lie to me
if you have an excuse, say it once
if I ask again, and what you said isn't the truth
stop
dont repeat your lie
that would be a dagger in my heart

I want to spend time with you
but its not a big deal if you dont
but if you lie
...
I will be extremely
...
sad


give it to Jesus

the list goes on

I am not in the best mood.
Today PDP starts, but I am more nervous than excited. Lots of things on my mind.
First of all, I got to wake up at 6 for my 8:30 class.
I have not prepared for the readings.
There is a serious hole in my bank account.
Student loan has not gone through.
Tuition is due this Friday.
I made Mommy sad.
Lots of schedules to follow up on.
If I don't get better, I can't get my live virus shot. The time frame for leaving is getting tight.
Most of what I am feeling now is unprepared and worried.
God.