note to self: rule of texting

This is no good. I cant sleep again because I am so excited for tomorrow. Note to self: dont be texting past 11.
Should I read my Bible? It helps sometimes. That may sound horrible but I don't think God will mind me reading His words this late.

The next morning... Couldn't get up because I don't know how to start the day. It is a weird feeling.

future spouse law 1

Hello world
It's random talk time.
What do I look for in my future spouse?
Judging by how I am sitting in bed while my stomach rumble, I am going to say a husband that cook for me in the middle of the night. Or someone who would prepare bento for me. Or someone who is great with cooking. I need food to look good and I need someone who would volunteering clean up the table and do the dishes. I'll help out too. From time to time. Whahahaha

update

When you are all bones and you laid up against a tatami bed, you are bound to be in pain.
With that said, I am happy to report on my status. I am healthy. Yesterday, I have managed to finish everything on my todo list, which is definitely a first. Today is another list of things todo. I hope I make you proud Father. I hope I make you proud.

i like to start afresh thank you

dearly beloved
I'm gonna do it
I am going to give it all up for something brand new.
resettle the scoreboard.
if everyone is trapped by the past memory then lets remake history.
what would I do if you are a stranger to me
I would be nice to you because I'm a super nice person
you might not like me as much because there is no past stories to back me up.
but for the change I've gone through and the change that you have gone through.
lets reestablish whatever relationship we are capable of now
may it be acquaintances or pen pal or hi friends.
lets give it a try.

thoughts tonight

miss singing together
am I being too selfish here

love

Dearest daughter
You took a chance with what you've heard and you have ran with it. You did well. It's difficult isn't it? Love. But let me tell you that it is the simplest and the most natural thing to love. It is who I am. It doesn't matter if I was hurt by your response. I am still love. It is who I am. I am love.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand it's own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and ensures through every circumstance.

Doing well

It was going so well as I raced through the list of things to do today; but then I hit a stumbling block. I began to fear that if A leaves, then B would leave. I don't want to lose connection with B. Although, A is precious too, but B is impulsive. A would come back from time to time, but B probably would not. And why is B flirting with A.

Am I hopeless?

Oh God.

You know how Jacob has an "imprint" on Isabelle in Twlight. Although the funniest comparison, but how else am I suppose to understand this phenomenon.

But you know what? The trick is to sing.
I really like singing. It gives me good vibe.

I used to be really against secular music, but now I do think there are such thing as good music outside of the usual Christian genre. Not all music has to be sappy and emo. Music can be so uplifting. Personally, I'd go for the Disney songs.

Today was okay.
Thank God.

perhaps happiness is an easy choice?

Report on today's progress.
It started from me sitting in Starbucks trying to organize what I can about the worship team. Then I saw a little girl in front of me. I think I recognized her from my volunteering. She was chewing with her mouth opened and so I laughed. It reminded me of how easy it is to be a child. Then I told myself that Id never grow up. I have a legitimate reason for it though. I don't want to let the ugly world break me. I don't to lose my hope in humanity.

Yes, I was extremely hurt by someone I've learnt to rely on. It happened because I believe that this person sincerely wants to get to know me. I never ever dump all my secrets in one pile. It wouldn't be a smart move. But I did. So I have come to me talk rely on this person a lot. It was an extremely risky move. Till this day, I know my secrets and stories are safe with this person.

The hurting came from the many rejections that came afterward. The most serious one being that I was not part of the community. Of course, I was literally not part of the community, but it made me feel really small and unwanted. I never admitted that I felt hurt because I wanted to do more. But today I realized that I have to admit to it. It is only when I recognize it, I can let it go.

I want to let go of the hurting I have been holding onto. I remember making people feel bad in high school. I did so by looking sad and hurt. No one needs to be held responsible for me though. I want to let myself and the other person go.

Do I feel? Of course I do. I admit to that too. Hurt, betrayal, jealousy, regret. But you know what? I played on the piano today. There were good times. I learned important skill from this person. Although they were short lessons but because I love music so much, I completely love the fact that I no longer have an excuse for not playing. I have the foundation. I know how to play. I just need to do it. For that I'll forever be thankful.

Today, I realized that I was sad because I feel like no one would accept me as much as this person once did. But at the end of the day, I do think I am an attractive person. I sang today. And I had a whole lot of fun singing. Someone will definitely love me as wacky and immature ad I am
.
Perhaps, I will have another mood swing tomorrow. But today, I just want to put a smile on others face, including my own and that's all. I need to learn to brush off negative feelings better.

self pep talk

Hello Pangsta

Of course you are fine. I just want you to know that just because one part of your life is messed up, you have many other parts that you are excelling in.

It's great that you are not crying about things. It shows progress. And yes, you wake up early and cannot go back to sleep. That's totally fine. You could use the time to work on yourself.
Okay, this is what I want you to do.

1. Go for a walk. The cool air is good for you.
2. Write in your prayer journal.
3. Get to work on church business. Responsibility is responsibility.
4. Have a full schedule and drop dead at the end of the day.

Sorry man, that's the best I can do.
It's sounds robotic and a little imperfect, but you know...I am getting there.

Gosh. What am I? Going through a break-up or something? I laugh at myself.

honesty--i cant

Honesty--they told you that it is the right virtue, but have they told you that sometimes it could lead to self-inflaming destruction. Okay, so I have exaggerated a little. But my point is that lying may sometimes be necessary for survival in this world.

I can't lie though.

No, I legitimately can't lie without bursting my own bubble afterwards. Have I worked up a life of being honest that I have such trouble pretending now. I want to stay true to myself. I would feel like I owe someone the truth by not saying what I feel.

Although I try hard in the recent days to change how I feel, I feel what I feel. At the moment, I stay true to my feeling and hope that in the next moment, I could save myself from the same feeling.

I am pretty sure that I will survive. Like someone said, I always will.

rambling on

It was easier to talk to you when I am away. Being far gives me the courage to be rejected. Being close by is different. I have to pretend to not care. I think perhaps as time goes, it will be that way. Except guess what, I am stubborn as hell. My mom never taught me to give up. In fact, I practice not giving up all of my life. It's not about giving up though. It's doing what id the best for another. I mean it's unhealthy. The way I am thinking. I will indefinitely end up destroying someone. You know what sucks the most. It is that I have known that if I show too much of myself, it's not going to be attractive. Did you not known that I can be the most attractive person from afar? Wow. I didn't know I am that insecure. All the more reason to work on myself.