something new

I just want to sing and dance for you.
Do not talk to me about rhythm.
Do not talk to me about the way thing should go.
Because as far as I am concerned, He loves me just as I am.
Cause I am telling, I am on the verge of something new.
Give me a little longer, and I'll show you.
I can do this.
Just a little longer, then I can show you
something new.

(I finally understand why people write poetry)

sick day

I am sick. I have not sneeze a hundred times in a row in such a long long time. So sick that my brain is giving me a hazy signal. I cannot think of anything intelligent to say. All except, good night!

when you give a moose a cookie

Have you heard that story?
"When you give a moose a cookie..."
It goes like this.
When you give a moose a cookie,
he'll ask you for milk to go along with it.
When you give him milk,
he will ask to sit by your fireplace so that he can enjoy his milk and cookie.
When you take him to the fireplace,
he'll ask you for a blanket, because it's cold outside.
When you finally brought out blankets for him,
he'll ask you for more cookie.

You see, it goes on and on.
I don't want to be that moose.
Because I don't like goodbyes.

pat on back

What happened today?
What happened today?
I tried hard to remember.
When will tomorrow come?
Why am I stuck here in the present?

Just kidding.
I was actually very productive today.
You know what I am excited about?
It's almost the end of the month.
I am finally going to give Mother my very first contribution to the family fund.
I feel somewhat proud of myself.
Pat on back. Pat on back.

wait and be still

Even though situation in church seems desperate. I am more at ease than I was before. It is serious? Yes. Does it seem like everyone likes me? No. What's going to happen? I have no idea. The thing is that it is no longer my burden to carry. I am going to do what I can to love this church, but it is not my responsibility to arouse the fire in His people. It is His people. He will provide. I will try very hard to wait and be still this time. Don't make a move, Pangster. Something is coming.

if life can be simpler

I'll tell you something funny. Last time I saw that there were ten-some number of people reading my blog. I was so excited. Sometimes, you just wish someone could hear you out. If that someone is close by. That's great. That means you can always call up a friend. But if there's no such case. Here's another platform. Nevertheless, I was so excited that I decided to check out my own blog. I googled it. (Some day the word "google" is going to be in the dictionary listed as a verb.) So I checked out my own blog from google. And guess what? I instantaneously got another reader! But you know what that means. Some of those readers may actually be myself clicking into my own blog. LOL. I checked out my own blog a couple of times myself.

Today I ask myself this question. What do you want the most in this world?
I gave up on world peace.
I don't have the heart to only think of myself.
So, I wish I can make the people around me at ease and to feel happy.
I hope that is not too much to ask.
When I am a teacher, I wish my students will be happy to see me.
I wish I can brighten up someone's day even for just a split second.
I wish I can be just a little more self-less.
You know. It is really easy to become greedy very fast. When you dont have something, you think you can be satisfy with just a little bit more. But when you do have a little bit more; you'd like just a little bit more. Turns out you can never really be satisfied.

Taking care of grandmother

Hello all.
Should we talk about something other than my insignificant feeling?

Today's topic is conflicting feeling when taking care of an elder. (AKA my grandmother)
There used to be a time when we had wish grandmother feels better. (A little background info--my grandmother has Alzheimer.) But that time has come and gone. We don't know what to wish for now. You see taking care of grandmother seems a little burdensome now. It seems everyone's life is put on hold because we have to take turn taking care of grandmother. Task include holding onto her while she walks, taking her to the washroom, feeding her, and staying up with her because she barely sleeps at night.
Well, my conclusion is an elder is like a child. You have to be patient with her. Although, it seems she has lived a very long time and should know everything, but she doesn't. Not anymore. So you just have to understand that and tolerate that.
Regardless, sometimes you just wish for more time for yourself.

Chit chat

Today, we sent mommy off again. Hopefully the next time anyone fly in our family, it will be for the right reason.
So far, life has been really subtle. I don't think I am that ambitious anymore. You just never know. Everything is too unpredictable.

I wish I could blab on and on.
I wish I could go to the playground.
I wish... I don't think I can wish anymore.

Sorry.
Let me know when it's not okay to talk anymore. I think I can get used to talking here. Tell me when someone else is here. Truth is if I don't talk, there's be no conversation anyways. Hopefully, whatever change you were referring to is not that scary.

who screamed

I was about to head outside when I heard a scream. It was totally terrifying. I didn't want to go out. I asked someone to escort me, but at the same time I laugh about it. But it was no laughing matter. Who the heck would scream in the middle of the night? Seriously! Don't do that. Argh!

sleep deprived loneliness

My only wish today is to sleep tonight. Couldn't sleep last night. Stayed up till two with my eyes wide open. I felt like there were electrodes attacking my body. I finally realized my greatest fear. I am actually really afraid to be alone. The funny thing is everytime zi think of being alone, my mind will tell me that's okay. It's okay to be alone. The thing is why do I think I am alone and that I need to be alone. That is the question.

Talking to myself

I was really exhausted today. Possibly due to all those science-fiction nightmares I had.

It's really tiring to keep up a friendship. I'd never bother myself with it. But these years, I have been keen on keeping in contact. Today, I was suppose to meet up with a friend of mine. We haven't seen each other for a while. I don't know why I was so proactive in meeting up this time. I just I was really curious as to how he was doing. And I didn't want him to think that just because he is a little different that I'd stop talking to him. I was genuinely interested in how he is doing and what exactly is he doing.

Anyways, I end up going to Metro by myself. That's right--me, myself, and I. It's alright, I don't mind. I was really tired. Sometimes, it's quite nice to walk around the crowd and listen to all the noise. Meanwhile, inside of you, there is that strange silence.

Sometimes, this happens to me. I am usually very talkative, but then all of a sudden, I don't feel like talking. Mainly because no one is talking to me, I think. And then I wonder, why am I okay with talking so much? And why am I so easily satisfy at times? And sometimes, I ask myself, "Are you talking to yourself?" Now, before you start labeling me, "I am not! Okay?" I just wonder if people are listening and want to listen or is forced to listen, that's all. Mind you, I don't go around talking to everybody. I bet it almost seems like I do. But I don't.

I guess that's why I am keeping up this blog.
Talking to myself. Hysterical.

breakthrough in worship

Today during band practice, I sense everyone is a little confused and distracted. Although I want to be careful with not overstepping people's boundary, I did it anyways. I just say what's on my mind. "I am confused." "I feel like there is a wall." "I want everyone to stop and focus." What happened was that there was no connection nor communication. Everyone wants instruction. Without it they can't function. True, perhaps I should give clearer hand signal, but there is something else--a distraction.
Today, I also sang whatever that comes to mind. There was a moment of embarrassment when the melody sounds a little odd, but I kept singing. I can't wait till David comes back. Though date is not specific nor certain, but he catches on spontaneous worship much faster and he makes me feel like it's okay to try anything.
In the mean time, I will just train myself in the freedom. I have since then found a sense of self and recklessness.

I will praise you

One day in your court is better than a thousand elsewhere.
For that, I will always sing of your praises.
With my lips, I will always sing to you.
If one day, I find I have no voice
and no sound comes out of me when I open my mouth;
I will praise you with my hands.
I will draw the sky with my hands
and marvel at the beauty of your creations.
I will praise you.
Lifting them high up into the sky,
I will praise you.
If one day, I find I have no strength left in me
and my hands will not raise;
I will praise you with my feet.
I will tap along to the rhythm in the sky
and play the percussion in heaven.
I will praise you.
If one day, my feet disobey my command
and refuse to move;
I will praise you with my heart.
I will remember your grace and mercy
and the blood that flows out of you and into my heart.
I will praise you.
If one day my heart cease to beat no more;
I will be right there in front of you
still praising you.

After all, it is not what I can do to praise you, but who I am and who you are.

In spirit and in truth,
I will praise you.

In dedication to Uncle Daniel, a true worshipper of God.

lazy day

Today is the kind of days when you just want to go to bed right away. It was a really exhausting day. Possibly due to continuous tutoring and not being able to have a dinner break. It would be nice if I can chat randomly with someone I really like to talk to, but I actually don't have anything important or interesting to say. So I held back from talking. I am going to continuous to read Malcolm Gladwell's "The Tipping Point". I bought this book because I need a legit reason to visit Chapter one day. I heard it was a great book. Maybe I'll write a review on the book afterward.

kids and their big mansion

Today, I went to my new student's house. It was a big house but she only lives with her mom. Between what she says, I get the feeling that the father is not of a strong presence in the house. There are many families like them in Canada where the father is working in Asia but the mother stays with the child in Canada. It's become quite a norm. Question is why do they need to buy such a big mansion for just two people?

expire dates on relationships

Is there an expire date on every relationship?
Let us explore, shall we?

Friendship
I had friends from elementary who still kept in contact with me. We also went to the same highschool. So, we had known each other for the umpteenth years. Are we close? We've known each other's reputations in elementary and secondary. Those reputations are hard to rid of. Not everyone is adaptable to change. Sometimes your change in appearance or personality would set someone back from keeping in contact. So does friendship have an expire date? I think it depends on the length and the quality of time of your friendship. One should update their change gradually and consistently to prevent unnecessary "culture shock" at times of reunion.

Romantic Relationship
Ideally, one should seek to know more about the other as time progress. I wonder if there is a time when one would decide that he/she had known too much? I certainly hope not. There is just too many sides to a person. A person should not be static but a dynamic character. So never pin-point one down to be of a flat character. Relationship, I think, would eventually reach a plateau. But this plateau should not lead to "falling action". There are so many adventures in the world. One could always find something new to discover about oneself. Ideally, a romantic relationship should not have an expire date.

Family
Out of all the relationships, family should be the most reliable. After all, you cannot get rid of your siblings or parents much like your friends or your partners. I guess by being blood related, you are bound for an eternity.

So, my conclusion is that to have a lasting relationship of any sort. You must treat your love one like family. Family gives somewhat unconditionally. Family speaks honestly. Family accepts always. Family never gives up on one another. Family bothers one another. Family annoys the crap put of one another. But in the end, family always sticks together. Family is not afraid of separation. Family has no expire dates.

the same snowflake as every else's

Back in grade 11, I volunteered to teach a class of grade 3 on how to make snowflake. I was really proud of myself because I was recommended and selected by my highschool teacher.

There I was, teaching grade 3 to cut straight lines and bending the paper so it forms beautiful curves. Almost everyone got it, except for this one kid. Instead of bending the paper, he folds it. He was extremely upset. His snowflakes doesn't look like anyone else's. It was devastating to him. With my eyes opened as wide as I could, I exclaimed, "You've managed to make the most special and unique snowflake."

I wish I could have told you that my brilliant remake stopped the boy from being upset, but it didn't. He kept crying because he felt like a failure, simply because his snowflake is like no one else's.

Since when did we begin to suppress the uniqueness of a child?

Since when did we start to emphasize the importance of being the same as everyone else?

Since when is being "me" not enough?

why are people late?

This is my analysis on late people. People who also arrive just after the bell rang. They are never early nor ever on time.
I have full access to the mind of an habitual late person--that is "me".

Why am I late?
I blame my optimism.
Remember when people used to ask, "What do you see? Half empty or half full?"
Well, my answer has always been "full". "The glass is half full." No doubt about it.
That is exactly the same reasoning behind my lateness. I see time as "half full". "I still have plenty of time left. Let me use the time I have to perfect the thing I am working on right now."
I don't think that's a bad way to look at things. I don't mean to be late on purpose. I simply see time as sufficient and never lacking.
I blame my optimism.

What I should have been taught years ago is to see the glass as half empty, so I will panic like I am always running out of time.

i mean what i say

I think I really am a nice person.
I am really sincere.
I think it's important.

I just want use this post to talk to someone.
I wanted to sit here because I like sitting here.
I like sitting here and I like talking to you.
legit. sincere.
I really don't have any second motive.
I mean what motive could I possibly have.
I do miss your presence though.
I miss your worship too.
Will it ever come back?
I worry sometimes.
But I tell myself to not worry.

I sincerely wish you are happy.
Even if that means you have to leave and that I will lost all ways of contacting you.
Please live with that sincere smile I used to see on your face.
I wish mean people would disappear and people will make you smile.

That's all.
The end.

heartbreak

Oh dear. My brother is going crazy. He is going through a heartbreak. The pain on his face.

Dear Jesus
I don't know how to help him, but you do. You know I pray for him from time to time. He is growing up so fast. His value is so practical. I know whichever way he took, you'll lead him in the right path.

Dear Jesus
I also pray for myself because I want to continue to love and continue to give without feeling like I must give up because I am hurting too much. I don't want to live in defense and in fear.

Amen

goodbyes

You see. I am a very sincere person. When I say that I like to talk to you. I really mean it. You always get the first hand news. The problem is I can't tell if you are just being polite or that you actually care. It'd be nice I someone actually care. If it just out of manner, I am still grateful because at least I could pretend someone cares.

Today, I heard that my aunt passed away. When I think of Mommy, I feel sad for her. She is close with her sisters. She had always told me that she had good sisters. They helped each other out. You see my aunts were against my mom and dad getting married. They probably think my dad wasn't good enough for my mom. They weren't wrong. They are good sisters. They watched out for my mom. Even though my mom still rebelled in the end--married and had all of us--they speak honest words.
When I think of my aunts family, I feel sad. They are good person. Their whole family was so nice to us whenever we visit. I heard uncle loves aunty very much. He cares for her very well in the hospital. What I am sad about is the fact that they are going to be missing someone in the family now. Why does bad thing happen to good people? It just that they have to live with this for the rest of their lives.

I hope mommy won't be sad for so long. It's so sad that she'll not be able to see her sister anymore. I think it's very sad when people say goodbye. I don't like saying goodbye. In any case. I really don't.

On the sixth day of 2015, I feel like I need an energy drink

It is day 6 of 2015. Things are getting a little bit more complicated. As you can see I am writing a bit later every day. There are still a lot more preparation to be done.

You know what I enjoyed doing the most? Designing. Graphic designing. I tend to spend a long time doing things like that and I didn't mind. But I wonder how I can switch route now.

What is going to come about 2015? I couldn't even guess.

Crazy start to a new year

HI
So I've got a little held up today.
I've finally finished summarizing our meeting from Wednesday. Man, I need to start getting paid for this. It's too much time invested. If I don't get paid financially, please bless the people I care about.

Anyways, today I put a hault on my new year resolution planning because I am now officially stuck. I can't make the amount I intend to make in a month. I am really considering switching route. Tutoring is just too unpredictable and stressful. When you hit holiday, everyone is gone, so you end up with no income. I am trying to think of something that I don't mind doing for a long time--planning, designing, redecorating. Thing is everything requires credentials. I think Tina is right. She has been right for a while now, but I ignored her. She said I may have to switch direction; try a different path. No more struggling, I think I am just going to do it.

You know, I try to focus on something else so I don't end up doing the wrong thing, but I had hoped otherwise. But now I need to be even careful now because things may be spiraling somewhere unpredictable. Oh well. Time will pass. Feeling will too. Eventually.

its dark now but the sun will come out tomorrow

Tis the fourth day of 2015 and the first wave has started.

We finally head home after a long day in church. We were discussing the coming year with such excitement and anticipations. Then the moment we stepped into the door, the sparks ignite. Mom and Dad throwing darts every where. There is no safe covering. We were all wounded. Seems like one of us is going to have to sacrifice. Not my sister, she's too fragile. I might have to choose between worship band and cell group leader.

I really wish everyone can be happy, but it seems like happiness is complicated to a lot of people. Personally, I don't understand. With every challenge, there's bound to be a way out. There has to be something you can do to ease the situation. Doesn't it start with your mindset? Well, it makes me sad when I see you sad. So lighten up, "the sun will come out tomorrow."

New Year Resolution Part II

Today I went down to the states. Shopping time! I didn't end up getting a lot of things. In fact I only got two pairs of shoes. For those two pairs of "Converse" sneaker, I'd guilt trip myself for the entire return trip. Luckily, my mother approved of my bargain.

New Year Resolution Part II:

3. Read 12 books in a year.
As an English tutor, I'd cut myself too much slack for not reading. I must set an example for all to follow.

4. Learn 12 songs in a year on guitar.
That's right! I bought my own guitar! Whoo! You know what? That wish I made last year on my birthday, it just might come true. As of this moment I know how to play one song--"Anchor" by Bethel.

I have a series of DIY projects I'd like to do, which I will list out in details afterwards.

New Year Resolution Part III

There is one thing I fear about blogging. It is the same with any source of information lingering in cyberspace. What if someone finds me? What if someone stalk me? Hey! This is legit fear. Okay?!

New Year Resolution Part I:
1. Pay off student loan by September.
Eight month. $20,000. $2,500/month.
Looks like I am going to be living at home for awhile.
2. Send Mother back to Taiwan in December.
Mother sacrificed a lot to be married into this family. Everybody deserves a break no matter how responsible they felt towards their family. Thanks to the recent opportunity, we know know that it is possible to give Mother a holiday. I would like to keep this up--emergency or no emergency. She must go back to visit grandmother more often.

As much as I like to save the entire world and make everyone happy; that is by no doubt, impossible to achieve. Still, I like to do whatever I can.

Sometimes when I look at people, they are not bound by time or circumstance, they are just human. They want to be happy. Little do I know if people's "LOL" are legit, but I still like to see them smile and laugh. I raised an eyebrow to those who laugh at my intention and call me naive. People need to return to the basis of humanity--positivity, happiness, and motivation. My ultimate goal is to instill purpose into everyday living, to create something that is timeless and colorful.

here's to a new year

hello
I'm back this year with a brand new resolution
1. Write a post everyday

I think it is a good habit to write in your journal everyday. I wish to be true to myself everytime I write and I wish to write with style. I wish one would read and laugh and cry with my success and failure. I will learn lots this year and I will record it all here.

here's to a new year
happy 2015