you

You have no idea how much I miss you.
I don't know if it's the idea of you or the actual you.
Either way, there's no you now.
You seem so distant.

change is treading into unfamiliar territories

How does change occur?
Over the past couple of month, I've changed.
My thoughts are so practical, do determined, and so foreign.
You see, I am most afraid of myself because I am treading into unfamiliar territories.
I want answers though before I continue.
Why am I doing the things I am doing?
What is it that I am doing?
Am I doing it right or wrong?
No, I am not doing drugs or anything like that, but you could say that I am on drugs, not literally, but allegorically.
I think I am on a verge of a new break-through. Things are becoming more clear than ever--black and white. What I can do and what I cannot do. I can't multitask, I realized.
Now, I urge you not to fluctuate. Not to get hurt, please. I beseech you to wait a little longer and see what is unveiled. A couple more month. Start something.

Keep me by your side, God.

movie rant

Someone recommended this movie so I watched it. I am getting tired of all these sci-FI end-of-the-world teen movie. But hey, they have an Asian in the movie. Quite refreshing. And he's from WongFuProduction. Pretty cool.

I am going on a date with Dad tomorrow. Better sleep now.

the crystal ball

So, I am thinking of starting a new blog. Something that people would actually read. Something conventional. Something adventurously. Only problem is my life is not that adventurous. So let mw think of a profound topic to talk about today.

If there is a crystal ball that could foretell your future, would you look at it. I used to say no, but now I think I just might. My reasons for not looking at it was because I wanted it to be a surprise. I don't want to spoil my future. But you know what, there is just so much uncertainty right now. I wish I could see what I will be doing? Who I will be with? Am I happy?

I want to be a teacher. Not just any teacher, but a very good one. Not just a very good one, but an innovative teacher, who could possibly discover a new teaching approach. An approach that could tailor to individual students learning style in a classroom. The way students are categorized into a classroom right now by age is not the most ideal. I don't quite know what I am getting at yet, but I am quite interested on going into master, just so I can research. If that's the case, that would mean more academic papers, experiments, and paper-writing. Craziness

On the other hand, I realm like interior design and DIY. I love how hand-on everything is. I love how instantaneous you can feel the project coming together. For now, it's just a hobby, but suppose I can make it big. Suppose I can do this on the side. That'd be awesome.

Who will I be with?
I really hope I won't settle. I'd either be a successful bachelorette or a happy housewife. Recently, I have come across this troublesome issue. Just because someone like me, it doesn't mean I have to like the person back, right? If I have to be expected to rsvp with a hearty smile, I'd die. Not to be mean. But I just dislike that feeling. A lot.

On the other hand, what do you do when the person you like is exactly like me. That means I can't expect anything as well. The most hideous part of all this is that it's just plain unthinkable. So, my dilemma is how to stop thinking about it and just work on becoming successful.

How does being a Christian ties into all this?

God is an ingenious individual. Before I can figure out step one, He has already drew out a map. I believe it and am excited for it. But at the same time, where should I put my feet now.

time to become a productive robot

I guess it's that time of the year again when Pangsta felt like she needs to keep a routine and discipline herself. It takes me 2 hours to get up each day. And today I felt like watching something till I fell asleep. That typically happen when I am under stress. I have the whole world in my hands. I need to apply for my mother's future and my future. Meanwhile, I must keep the money coming to keep my bread on the table. Oh man. Not one thing to stress about but everything.

a wish for the future and a prayer for the present

I was lightheaded yesterday. I couldn't stay awake to blog. It could be due to my lack of sleep on Sunday. I hope I don't make a habit out of that.





Too late.
I am still awake at this point.





I made a major decision yesterday. I submitted my temporary resignation to eight years of ministry.
I think I have grown up. I didn't want to. But I did.
No, I did not grow out of my love for God. More precisely said is that I have grown to express my love of God in area that truly would make a difference. Lately, the strangest, yet boldest dream came to me. I want to make an impact in the field of education in ways I have never imagined before. I am not quite sure of what to do with such ideas popping into my head yet. I am simply waiting and exploring my surrounding.
It's not easy though--to let go that is. One can be so used to their comforting environment that they would not want to wake up in the morning. I do not want to forget some people though. And I most certainly do not want to be forgotten. If I am forgotten; that only goes to show how shallow of a relationship we have.
Mind you, I did mention that this is temporal. And it is. I will be back! I love worshiping God. It doesn't matter if I am up there or down here. I will still sway and smile at the One who instilled this passion into me.
I still pray for the one whose love for worship still exist till days afar. When life gets you down. Don't forget you have a gift of music. It heals. The wall you built can only go so high until you realize His love is that much higher. Love you--God.

i dont know how to sleep

I can't sleep tonight. I feel like this is going to be a restless night. People kept facebooking me and the notification kept popping up. Now I know how so-and-so felt when I kept messaging in the middle of the night. I thought why don't you just close your notification. The person shouldn't have to. I don't want to be an annoying person, but I realm want to talk. Sigh. I can't sleep. When I think about how sad Lily must be and how Sofi has to pretend everything is okay. I feel sad. I miss so many people.

come back energy

Suddenly, I feel tired. I wish there is someone I can talk to. But I don't like talking to everyone. Where did my energy from an hour ago go?

children's thoughts are relevant

The world is kind of awkward. Why do we have to say "we are okay" when we are not okay. Why do adults consider children's feeling as insignificant and something that they will eventually get over. It's sickening. I say that because I have seen such cases. Parents consider their children immature and that they'll eventually grow up. To me, it sounds almost like they are brushing off their children's thoughts at that certain age. But to their children, that thoughts of their are very much true and realistic. To quickly dismiss their children's emotional state is wrong. I can't specify what I am talking about, but I hope I am making some sense here.

secret identity

I am not a part of FBI, so I should not be required to keep my identity in secret. I remember when I was in elementary school, I was asked to keep my Chinese name a secret. I did. None of my friend knows my Chinese name. They asked and so I gave them a fake name. At the time, I couldn't fully understand why I was required to keep my profile low. Am I the daughter of a prestigious family or am I a refuge from an unmentionable place. As fast as I know I was neither. But that unknown gave me a lot of room for my imagination to fill in. If I told them my name, there would be consequences. I would be in trouble or worse, my family could be in danger. It could start of as a misunderstanding. Maybe all I was asked to do was to not speak Mandarin in school. Despite what was the intention behind the command given, I carried an unknown burden subconsciously. Hide yourself. Don't tell others. Slowly, I broke out of my shell. I confront anyone who tries to put me back in. Why must I hide? Is there something I should be ashamed of? Is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with mu family. No! I don't think so. I am overtly proud of them. I am confident. Most importantly, I know God takes care of my family, so I am not afraid to share.

a good battle

Today, we fought a good battle. But you know what we are missing? A strong vocal. I could hear my voice loud and clear. A little too loud, I could hear my crack as well.

I need to hold on. Keep on praying and keep on the path. I wish I don't get go back in. I wish I keep my ministry simple. I want to find God outside of church. It's important to not be too comfortable. It was fun though today.

Happy Valentino

Today, I sent my mom to the SPA. She freaked out because she had to strip down. That was funny. I had a good chat with me sister. I politely "scolded" her for settling for comfort rather than challenge. But you know, challenge isn't for everyone.

I told her that I am going to be a mini version of Mother Teresa. Of course, what do I know? I am only saying that to emphasize the fact that it's okay to be "single" forever.

Valentine's Day is coming. The day was never anything special. But this year, I will not let go of any opportunity to celebrate an occasion--a chance to love ❤ the people around me. So I took Mother to the SPA and I am going to go on a date with. Daddy. Unfortunately, I am the one who takes initiative.

This Valentine's, I urge you to love the one who loves you. Remember those who have always loved you.

Happy Valentine's. I hope you feel every bit of love from every corner of your surrounding. Sorry, my love was conditional. But His love's eternal. Always.

Lastly, forget-me-not.

throwing a tantrum

I blame it on my pms. I cannot believe I made a fool out of myself AGAIN. I was literally throwing a tantrum... Didn't know I was capable of that. How can my voice be so high and whiny? Argh! Everything I hate about Asian girl is mirrored on me today. And it's all because of "scones".

This is an account of what happened.
I bought scones for someone and he refused to take it.

I know what you are thinking. Seriously? That's it? That's why you are mad?

Yes, because it reminds me of the several rejections I've received in total. So, the flame inside of me ignited. I guess that was the simmering root system I was talking about last time.

I almost cried in frustration. Good thing that I didn't. But I did somewhat slammed my poor car door and stumped my feet.

Goodbye hard earn mature reputation!
Au revoir.

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stupidity

simmering root system to a forest fire

I was waiting for the time to come, so I can write my blog. But it never came. I was looking for all the potential scholarships I could apply for to fund my education. As an individual, who's most prideful of her ideas and innovations, she believes she has a shot at these things. That is until she realized that she will be competing with many others across Canada...

So, an update on my condition.

I am alright. No worry. (self-comforting)

I just need to cry. After I cried, my eyes will puff up the next day, and I will be okay again. It is like cleaning up my room; I usually throw everything in a pile and then carefully put them away one at a time. Kind of crazy and chaotic in the process, but the work will get done.

As for everything else that was on my mind? Well, they are not around now. I think I tossed them.

I heard an interesting analogy of "unforgiving" on the radio today. Because it was quite interesting, I thought I should share it.

Do you know why forest fire are such a nuisance? Do you know why it keeps coming back? Even though the fire above the ground seems put out, the root system underneath is actually simmering. It is just waiting for the temperature above the ground to reach a certain temperature, then it would flare again. Likely, when we are unforgiving to those who put an axe in our flesh, we would be trapped in a cycle of unpredictable burning. In the words of Max Lucado, "We are just one comment away from exploding."

Don't do that to yourself, nor to others. Let the grace of God sips deeper into the root of your bitterness and release you from years of trouble.

somewhat depressing post (warning)

Alright, so I really hate writing depressing post, but this one is important.

I am really struggling here. I'll tell you exactly what I am dealing with here--lies. I know it's lies but at the same time I am doing everything to convince myself that the lies are true.

Today's lie: "I am left begin behind."

There seems to be a trigger word--"miss". I miss so-and-so and then my tears would stay to flow uncontrollably. Today, I thought, "I miss Sofi" and then it starts. (It's starting again...)

Everyone always leaves with such ease. By that I mean that they get to say goodbye first. I always have to see people's back. It's so lonely. With that being said, I miss Julia, Cindy, and Rachel. Thought I forgot about them. Nah.

I don't know what it is so hard for me. I feel seriously too much. Get emotionally attached too much. It is problematic. It really is. And I am real apologetic if that adds unnecessary trouble to another human being.

Secondly, people scares me. The way people talks, thinks, and acts under the table is so disgusting.

On the final note. Please protect my dignity by not exposing my inner thoughts. Thoughts are my most intimate belonging. If it is exposes, it will be as if I am naked and shameful.

there must be more than this

Don't hasten my leave, people.

Dear Jesus
Let me go out and make disciples of all nation.
Let me use my gift ultimately.
I want your name to be known and to be well-known.
In my life.
I want to be a living testimony.
I want to fade out and explore.

kindness and stupidity

My plan was to stay mad at someone, but I couldn't. I failed! I suck at staying mad. I am a "give me a candy and I'll stop pouting" kind of person. It's true. I am always the one who says sorry first.
Here's an example:
Today I went tutoring. It was chaotic. My student was very distracted. I was extremely frustrated. (Of course, no matter how frustrated I am, I still look decently calm and not-a-bit intimidating.) Anyways, I end up putting the blame on my lack of preparation, which was admittedly true. I felt I could have done a better job preparing interesting materials.
Then, there was a time when I got into a fight with my mother. It was intense, I wanted to stay mad at her forever, but she hugged me and made me laugh. I was so mad at her for making me laugh. Of course, that ultimately failed as well.
There was another time when I fought with my sister. I convinced her to buy me dinner. After a decent meal, I could no longer be mad.
This time, it was so much worst. The person smiled at me and then I lost my anger. Not only that I lost my urge for a get-even revenge.

Suppose someone will end up taking advantage of my stupidity.

i take it back

I take it back. I take it back. I don't want it to be THE END!

random rambling

Well, my dear friend. This is the end of the road. The difference between me and you is that I can run away faster and further. You did a good job at hiding, because I am practically blind here. Now my rosy color glasses is finally changing color. No more Miss. Nice. I am an independent young lady. Plenty of things to get off my plates. Well, off to it then. I'll always have you in my prayer. Always. Once family, always family.

too much to do and too little time

This may sound familiar but it must be said over and over again: "too much to do and too little time."
This week is surprisingly busy. A lot of applications to do. There's never a dull moment. In the midst of it all, there's still time to be missing someone. There's still time to think useless things. Too many things in progress. Oh God, help!

undeniable love for worship

I had a lot of things on my mind today but I remember them faintly. It ranges from wanting to make a backpack for myself to how much I love worship. Worship is in my core. There's no way I can rid of it. Once it's there, it's there. When I hear music that speaks to me (Generally nothing speaks to my more than worship music. Let's just forget about the different genre of Christian music for a second here. I just categorize them all into this music made for heaven. Stories from one's heart in regards to the Kingdom.), it just sparkle no matter how much I like to deny it. And believe me, there are times when I want to deny this religious impracticalities. I do really. Because what if it slows me down. What if I was meant to go higher. But I just can't help it. It just gets to me. And when I am in it; I just can't help but believe it.

sofa project

It first came to us in a set. Dressed in its coat of red with yellow stars patterned all across. It was my feet's comfort in its time of fatigue. Years gone by and it was no longer anyone's favorite. It was tossed to the side because it was filthy, old, and ugly. An attempt was made to salvage the poor thing. It was unfortunately to no avail. Memories of its perkiness was long gone. A star no more, it was cover in shame with rags found here and there. At least someone cared, like this family man of seven.

Finally, the little girl was all grown up. She has waited long and hard to finally be able to cloth it. Black--that's all she need to refurbish its former glory. Now back in one piece with the rest of the furniture, it shines like a knight in shiny armor.

In short, I did my first project. I sewed a cover for the sad looking sofa piece. The put together rag look was my dad's first attempt to save the poor thing.

being ordinary

I am brainstorming real hard to fill my day up to the fullest. I am finishing one project after another. These include many applications and room decor projects. When I am done, I wish to declutter and live in comfort. Nevertheless, my room looks like a warehouse right now. In the meantime, I really must be more professional. I am too chill at my jobs. Time to have a pep talk with myself. "Missy! If you want to keep your job, be good at it. Don't do it half-heartedly and definitely don't be distracted."
I guess what I am trying to do is to keep moving so that I will tired myself out at the end of the day and then I will be an "ordinary" human. Deal.

Art, Creation, and Hoarding

Let me give you an update on my new year resolution. Bad. It's going really bad. I am really behind schedule. It was really impractical planning in the beginning. 20000 in 8 months. What was I thinking? That's right I wasn't. The worst thing of all is that a neat freak like me cannot take the state my room is in. Which that being said, let's talk about "hoarding".

Hoarding, a term used to describe the obsession with collecting random junks with the perception that it is going to become valuable one day. That's me! I have this belief that everything can be remodeled into something valuable. I love DIY. Art is the ability to transform something from nothingness. It is the very essence of creation.

A moment of short out to the Creator--"You made me beautiful just the way I am."